Summary: When good vacations go bad, it's easy to get caught up in the natural disappointment you feel. But how do you recover? Rather than returning home feeling like you need a vacation from your vacation, read the 4 steps below that help you STOP and assess your situation to change your attitude.
Last Monday, I wrote about the history and meaning of the word sabbatical. I also shared how my own self-imposed writing sabbatical went awry. And I asked you to share your stories about vacations that took a wrong turn—and how you coped with the unexpected change in plans.
Here are some of the stories I received:
• Delia said she was in the midst of a bad vacation, herself. She, her husband, and their toddler had taken a two-week trip to Boston—only to be ambushed by the flu. Instead of sight-seeing, they were holed up in their hotel room for days on end, coping with their colds.
• Christine recalled a vaca to Glacier National Park where "one walloping argument ... kind of ruined a lovely place."
• Melissa and Kim said they'd also experienced fighting on supposedly romantic getaways, though they preferred not to share the details. Meanwhile, Lee Ann said she'd never had a romantic getaway with her husband! I wonder which is more emotionally upsetting?
• Mark, who is a seminary student, didn't share any vacation stories, but did say he appreciates the word choice of sabbatical—and that he'll be appreciating it even more in the years to come!
As for their emotional responses to these experiences, Delia's outlook was the most optimistic: She shared that, despite their disappointment, they were, "staying positive and united as a family." It's much more difficult to be positive all on your own, as was likely the case with the others when arguments got in the way of good expectations. Christine said she and her husband, "had spent way too much time with just the two of us at that point" when they fought on their trip.
What's the recipe for finding your happy place when you're away from home? Here are some steps that may help you STOP and reassess your situation:
1. STOP - The second you notice yourself getting worked up and upset (whether it's because you notice yourself picking a fight with others around you or because you have an emotional response like wanting to cry), stop whatever you're doing that instant. Even if you're in public, it's okay to walk away for a moment.
2. TAKE A MOMENT - Taking a moment for yourself is imperative to moving forward with peace when emotions are beginning to overwhelm you.
3. OBSERVE YOURSELF - In order to step out of yourself to objectively observe, ask yourself, "What am I feeling physically?" and "What am I feeling emotionally?" as well as "What are my thoughts?" (Read more in these two posts about methods by Abraham Low and Byron Katie.)
4. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK - It's important to congratulate yourself for keeping your composure. This is where affirmations come in very handy. (I've written a lot on the subject of affirmations in this blog, so I encourage you to search the phrase and check out these many posts, in addition to clicking this link.) With a healthier frame of mind, you can usually rescue your day, if not your entire trip, and find the funny side of the situation.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Showing posts with label emotional awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional awareness. Show all posts
Jan 10, 2011
Jun 2, 2010
I Can't Talk When I'm Emotional!
Summary: If you "can't talk" (or have a hard time communicating the way you want to) when you're emotional, check out the links below to start improving those skills today.
If the title to this post applies to you, you've come to the right blog. Beyond Talk specializes in cutting through the clutter of exaggerated emotions, so that you can say what you really mean instead of sputtering out nonsense or simply shutting down.
I'm in the process of putting together a series of guest posts around this subject. (Contact me if you're interested in guest blogging.) For now, here is a list of links that you can turn to:
- Speak-Your-Truth.com - The e-workbook sold at this site provides more than a dozen exercises designed specifically to help you recognize when and where emotions start in you, personally, as well as ways you can change your brain chemistry to speak clearly while emotional.
- Emotional Intelligence Central - Full of information on emotional intelligence, sometimes called EQ, this site reminds readers right on the home page that "Strong relationships are based on emotional intelligence."
- HelpGuide.org - This non-profit site reviews emotional health from a variety of perspectives, including for those with challenged brains.
- Pathway to Happiness - Reclaim your brain by understanding your emotions here!
The latest poll here--which just closed--shows that the majority of you readers and responders agree that it's hard for you to communicate clearly when your emotions overwhelm you. (Interestingly enough, the second largest group of Beyond Talk readers say, "I am an excellent communicator!") Where do you rank?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
If the title to this post applies to you, you've come to the right blog. Beyond Talk specializes in cutting through the clutter of exaggerated emotions, so that you can say what you really mean instead of sputtering out nonsense or simply shutting down.
I'm in the process of putting together a series of guest posts around this subject. (Contact me if you're interested in guest blogging.) For now, here is a list of links that you can turn to:
- Speak-Your-Truth.com - The e-workbook sold at this site provides more than a dozen exercises designed specifically to help you recognize when and where emotions start in you, personally, as well as ways you can change your brain chemistry to speak clearly while emotional.
- Emotional Intelligence Central - Full of information on emotional intelligence, sometimes called EQ, this site reminds readers right on the home page that "Strong relationships are based on emotional intelligence."
- HelpGuide.org - This non-profit site reviews emotional health from a variety of perspectives, including for those with challenged brains.
- Pathway to Happiness - Reclaim your brain by understanding your emotions here!
The latest poll here--which just closed--shows that the majority of you readers and responders agree that it's hard for you to communicate clearly when your emotions overwhelm you. (Interestingly enough, the second largest group of Beyond Talk readers say, "I am an excellent communicator!") Where do you rank?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Apr 14, 2010
Fight Fear with Positive Thinking
Summary: Fear and other negative emotions can routinely block you from living your most successful life. This post contains a straight-forward, seven-step process for quickly converting fear to confidence. And it all takes place in your own head!
The power of positive thinking can change your life in both big and small ways. You've already seen it in action. But it's often easy to miss. The more attention you give it, however--being consciously mindful of cultivating good thoughts--the dozens more daily moments you begin to witness where feelings like fear are replaced with ones like harmony.
So, how do you cultivate positivity? Emotions are a natural part of the human experience. The last thing I would ever advise you to do is ignore them or try to instantly change them. (More on this later*.) But once you've done the personal work of figuring out which emotions work against you on a regular basis--and in what specific situations you most often find that this happens--you can begin to see the negative patterns that some of your more negative emotions have on your success in life.
Fear is a common emotional roadblock to success. The next time you find yourself in the same old situation that commonly keeps you back--whether it's in asking for help when you need it; being honest about your needs with a romantic partner; speaking up to take credit at work; saying, "No," to extra responsibilities in a professional or volunteer setting--try these helpful tricks for converting fear into calm confidence:
(1) Know that fear is chemically made up of a lot of the same neuro-components as excitement. If you start from this fact, you can readily move from the fear end of the scale to the excited end with just a few additional thoughts.
(2) Remember that all emotionally-based thinking is subjective. More importantly, nothing subjective is ever 100% true.
(3) Be open-minded. It's hard to be open-minded when you're afraid or otherwise negative. But if you can tell yourself that your fear-based thoughts aren't trustworthy right now, you can likely suspend those thoughts and then be open to thinking new ones.
(4) Think of the thoughts that are holding you back (i.e., "I'll look foolish if I ask for help" or "People will think less of me if they learn I don't know the answer") and find ways to poke holes in them. Using your knowledge from points #2 and #3, search out reasons your negative, fearful thoughts are wrong (such as, "Lots of people don't care if I know the answer" or "People who judge me probably have their own fears of looking stupid--my own opinion of myself is the one that counts"). You can even try substituting the opposite statement to see how that makes you feel. Check out Byron Katie's The Work for more on this point, especially noting her "4 questions."
(5) Find the humor in your original thoughts. The more you can laugh at yourself, the more you can turn your fear-based brain chemistry into that of excitement. Do whatever works for you: Perhaps think of humorous situations in movies you've seen or books you've read that can help you to laugh at fear in general (say, Steve Martin in The Jerk, running from the man who "hates cans")--or even your specific circumstance.
(6) Breathe deeply and smile. Both of these will naturally change your brain's chemistry, plus regulate your Central Nervous System to produce that calm and confident feeling. Pairing these actions with the following step's suggestion is best.
(7) Think of a reason to do what you're afraid of doing. Sample ideas may include: "What do I have to lose? If I don't ask for help, I'll never know--and then I'll always be afraid to look stupid on this subject! Sweet, silly little me."
*For some insight into recognizing your emotions, check out some of these past posts:
4 Basic Types of Self-Talk
WORD OF THE WEEK: Integrating Integrity
Checklist for Customized Affirmations
WORD OF THE WEEK: Neuro-Typical
How to Say What You Mean
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
The power of positive thinking can change your life in both big and small ways. You've already seen it in action. But it's often easy to miss. The more attention you give it, however--being consciously mindful of cultivating good thoughts--the dozens more daily moments you begin to witness where feelings like fear are replaced with ones like harmony.
So, how do you cultivate positivity? Emotions are a natural part of the human experience. The last thing I would ever advise you to do is ignore them or try to instantly change them. (More on this later*.) But once you've done the personal work of figuring out which emotions work against you on a regular basis--and in what specific situations you most often find that this happens--you can begin to see the negative patterns that some of your more negative emotions have on your success in life.
Fear is a common emotional roadblock to success. The next time you find yourself in the same old situation that commonly keeps you back--whether it's in asking for help when you need it; being honest about your needs with a romantic partner; speaking up to take credit at work; saying, "No," to extra responsibilities in a professional or volunteer setting--try these helpful tricks for converting fear into calm confidence:
(1) Know that fear is chemically made up of a lot of the same neuro-components as excitement. If you start from this fact, you can readily move from the fear end of the scale to the excited end with just a few additional thoughts.
(2) Remember that all emotionally-based thinking is subjective. More importantly, nothing subjective is ever 100% true.
(3) Be open-minded. It's hard to be open-minded when you're afraid or otherwise negative. But if you can tell yourself that your fear-based thoughts aren't trustworthy right now, you can likely suspend those thoughts and then be open to thinking new ones.
(4) Think of the thoughts that are holding you back (i.e., "I'll look foolish if I ask for help" or "People will think less of me if they learn I don't know the answer") and find ways to poke holes in them. Using your knowledge from points #2 and #3, search out reasons your negative, fearful thoughts are wrong (such as, "Lots of people don't care if I know the answer" or "People who judge me probably have their own fears of looking stupid--my own opinion of myself is the one that counts"). You can even try substituting the opposite statement to see how that makes you feel. Check out Byron Katie's The Work for more on this point, especially noting her "4 questions."
(5) Find the humor in your original thoughts. The more you can laugh at yourself, the more you can turn your fear-based brain chemistry into that of excitement. Do whatever works for you: Perhaps think of humorous situations in movies you've seen or books you've read that can help you to laugh at fear in general (say, Steve Martin in The Jerk, running from the man who "hates cans")--or even your specific circumstance.
(6) Breathe deeply and smile. Both of these will naturally change your brain's chemistry, plus regulate your Central Nervous System to produce that calm and confident feeling. Pairing these actions with the following step's suggestion is best.
(7) Think of a reason to do what you're afraid of doing. Sample ideas may include: "What do I have to lose? If I don't ask for help, I'll never know--and then I'll always be afraid to look stupid on this subject! Sweet, silly little me."
*For some insight into recognizing your emotions, check out some of these past posts:
4 Basic Types of Self-Talk
WORD OF THE WEEK: Integrating Integrity
Checklist for Customized Affirmations
WORD OF THE WEEK: Neuro-Typical
How to Say What You Mean
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 19, 2010
WEEKLY UPDATE: My Own Affirmation
Summary: Today's post gives you a peek into my personal inner workings as I share with you the story of how I created my own affirmation sentence, and exactly what that sentence is that helps me through my days. You can do it, too!
Each Friday's blog post is titled "Weekly Update." It's where I lift the curtain to give you a peek behind the scenes at Beyond Talk and KiKi Productions, Inc. Communications. Today, I want to show you a little secret something from inside of me.
Since we've been talking about affirmations (or rather, I've been writing and you've been reading about them), I think it's only fair that I let you in on my own personal affirmation—as well as how I followed the process I've been outlining for you to create my affirmation sentence. It works for me. But only when I choose to use it, of course.
I admitted in Wednesday's post that I have perfectionist tendencies. This can be a blessing. But there are certainly times when it's a curse, too. Mostly, it's a curse when it upsets me, mentally or emotionally.
Some months ago, I was slated to give a speech presentation that I had not rehearsed well. I had certain key points I wanted to share in the speech, and I'd put those on index cards. But I'd decided that the rest of the content (due to time constraints in preparation) was just going to have to be "organic." In other words, I would think it up as I went along! I knew my audience's needs, even if I didn't know my audience members personally. However, as I was driving to the venue, I felt a wave of nausea and panic overtake me. This was greater than the usual "butterflies" I get in my stomach before a big event. I quickly assessed the situation:
(1) I feel nausea, a racing heartbeat, and shortness of breath in my body.
(2) Emotionally, I'm very fearful—to the point of panic.
(3) My thoughts are telling me to turn the car around and run! I think I can't do this, because I'm unprepared and I'm going to fail.
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow!
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, I'd feel insulted and undermined. (I guess that means I'm doubting myself.)
(6) I'd prefer to hear words of support that take into account the possibility of human errors (because how do I know for sure that I won't make one or two mistakes as I wing this event?)
For the rest of the trip, I chanted in my head, "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes." This affirmation gives me permission to "fail" without the belief that any failure on my part is permanent and fatal. The word "competent" reminds me that I really do have strengths, even in times of doubt. Better, it helps me draw upon those strengths when I doubt myself.
For months now, every time I have felt that same bodily sensation of fear and panic in a wave of nausea, I've easily recognized it for what it is: self-doubt. And my affirmation, said as many times as needed, dispels it: "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes."
How about you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Each Friday's blog post is titled "Weekly Update." It's where I lift the curtain to give you a peek behind the scenes at Beyond Talk and KiKi Productions, Inc. Communications. Today, I want to show you a little secret something from inside of me.
Since we've been talking about affirmations (or rather, I've been writing and you've been reading about them), I think it's only fair that I let you in on my own personal affirmation—as well as how I followed the process I've been outlining for you to create my affirmation sentence. It works for me. But only when I choose to use it, of course.
I admitted in Wednesday's post that I have perfectionist tendencies. This can be a blessing. But there are certainly times when it's a curse, too. Mostly, it's a curse when it upsets me, mentally or emotionally.
Some months ago, I was slated to give a speech presentation that I had not rehearsed well. I had certain key points I wanted to share in the speech, and I'd put those on index cards. But I'd decided that the rest of the content (due to time constraints in preparation) was just going to have to be "organic." In other words, I would think it up as I went along! I knew my audience's needs, even if I didn't know my audience members personally. However, as I was driving to the venue, I felt a wave of nausea and panic overtake me. This was greater than the usual "butterflies" I get in my stomach before a big event. I quickly assessed the situation:
(1) I feel nausea, a racing heartbeat, and shortness of breath in my body.
(2) Emotionally, I'm very fearful—to the point of panic.
(3) My thoughts are telling me to turn the car around and run! I think I can't do this, because I'm unprepared and I'm going to fail.
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow!
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, I'd feel insulted and undermined. (I guess that means I'm doubting myself.)
(6) I'd prefer to hear words of support that take into account the possibility of human errors (because how do I know for sure that I won't make one or two mistakes as I wing this event?)
For the rest of the trip, I chanted in my head, "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes." This affirmation gives me permission to "fail" without the belief that any failure on my part is permanent and fatal. The word "competent" reminds me that I really do have strengths, even in times of doubt. Better, it helps me draw upon those strengths when I doubt myself.
For months now, every time I have felt that same bodily sensation of fear and panic in a wave of nausea, I've easily recognized it for what it is: self-doubt. And my affirmation, said as many times as needed, dispels it: "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes."
How about you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 10, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Checklist for Customized Affirmations
Summary: If you're self-aware enough to know you need help, you're ready to use the checklist below to create your own, customized affirmation statement to further your personal growth.
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 27, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Create Your Own Affirmation—Step #1
Summary: Affirmations have gotten a bad rap by some people who don't see their value. But don't knock them 'til you've tried them: Affirmations can help you change the way you think to improve the way you live. The first step in creating a customized, personal affirmation statement comes with asking yourself one question.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 20, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: 4 Basic Types of Self-Talk
Summary: What happens in our bodies—and to the world around us—when we ignore or suppress our feelings is often quite unpleasant. When we short-circuit the process of acceptance, we don't do ourselves or anyone around us any favors. You can break down the way you're feeling into 4 basic categories to help yourself gain more self-awareness and eventual acceptance.
So, your co-worker got credit for the job you did again. Big deal. Happens all the time. At least you're still employed. ... Right?
Then why are you sighing and slamming the stapler? Why did you snap at your spouse and yell at your kids to "just shut up already!" yesterday—when you already knew this same old work scenario was about to play out today? Why did you wake up this morning with a tension headache, knowing you'd been grinding your teeth at night? If you've accepted this as "just the way things are," why isn't your life working out the way you want it to, even outside of work?
My suspicion is that you're lying to yourself.
*Gasp!* You, lie?? You're an honest person. In fact, it's your honesty—the fact that you keep giving credit to all your team members, even though you're the one pulling all the weight—that keeps getting you overlooked at the office. You even saw this pattern playing out before it happened again, so lying just can't be the problem.
Here's what I have to say to that: You may see the situation for what it is externally, but you're not facing up to what you feel about it on the inside.
While you say to yourself things like, "That's just the way things go here," and "there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well accept it," another part of you is simmering away with unspoken (or unacknowledged) thoughts like, "I am so mad!"; "this isn't fair"; "that suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do." Do you see the problem here? You're squelching your own voice before you even admit your feelings to yourself!
Coming to terms with any negative life experience is an important means to accepting who you are and where you are. But it's a process—and to skip over any part of that process shuts it down completely. Take a moment RIGHT NOW to write down how you're feeling. Then categorize the thoughts you're having into one of the four categories:
GLAD
MAD
SAD or
SCARED.
(NOTE: If your thoughts fall into multiple categories, this is completely normal.) These are the basic sentiments that house all the other emotions. (Hint: "That suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do" would fall under "MAD.") How are you talking to yourself in your head right now?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
So, your co-worker got credit for the job you did again. Big deal. Happens all the time. At least you're still employed. ... Right?
Then why are you sighing and slamming the stapler? Why did you snap at your spouse and yell at your kids to "just shut up already!" yesterday—when you already knew this same old work scenario was about to play out today? Why did you wake up this morning with a tension headache, knowing you'd been grinding your teeth at night? If you've accepted this as "just the way things are," why isn't your life working out the way you want it to, even outside of work?
My suspicion is that you're lying to yourself.
*Gasp!* You, lie?? You're an honest person. In fact, it's your honesty—the fact that you keep giving credit to all your team members, even though you're the one pulling all the weight—that keeps getting you overlooked at the office. You even saw this pattern playing out before it happened again, so lying just can't be the problem.
Here's what I have to say to that: You may see the situation for what it is externally, but you're not facing up to what you feel about it on the inside.
While you say to yourself things like, "That's just the way things go here," and "there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well accept it," another part of you is simmering away with unspoken (or unacknowledged) thoughts like, "I am so mad!"; "this isn't fair"; "that suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do." Do you see the problem here? You're squelching your own voice before you even admit your feelings to yourself!
Coming to terms with any negative life experience is an important means to accepting who you are and where you are. But it's a process—and to skip over any part of that process shuts it down completely. Take a moment RIGHT NOW to write down how you're feeling. Then categorize the thoughts you're having into one of the four categories:
GLAD
MAD
SAD or
SCARED.
(NOTE: If your thoughts fall into multiple categories, this is completely normal.) These are the basic sentiments that house all the other emotions. (Hint: "That suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do" would fall under "MAD.") How are you talking to yourself in your head right now?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 18, 2010
WORD OF THE WEEK: Alexithymia
Summary: This week's word is relatively new, but is becoming more and more popular among certain circles. Although I love learning new words, the increased usage of this one—alexithymia—isn't necessarily a good thing: Alexithymia is the opposite of emotional intelligence, or speaking your personal truth. Its popularity means you and I are more and more often unable to say what we mean.
Don't try looking up this week's word in your desktop dictionary: It probably isn't there. Alexithymia (ah -LEX - eh - THY - MEE - ya) is only 30-some years old, very young in word years. Of course, far newer words and phrases are adopted into contemporary dictionaries every day, but only after the majority of the culture begins to regularly use them. Alexithymia has a little way to go on this front. However, medical dictionaries (do you have one on your shelf?) note the word's select popularity right up front.
Credited for introduction in 1972 by Dr. Peter Sifneos, M.D., the word means "an inability to articulate feelings," particularly in regard to emotions. It's a combination of the ancient Greek words a (without, lacking), lexis (word or diction), and thymos (emotions).
An interesting point to note here is that thymos also means spirited—and is thought to pertain to concepts that the brain's thymus deals with, like emotions.
Modern-day therapists and psychiatrists refer to their patients as alexithymic when, for example, they are obviously worked up, but can't explain what's going on in their lives to contribute to their upset state. But, of course, you don't have to be seeing a specialist to experience this all-too-common condition.
Do YOU know what you're feeling right NOW? If not, you may try journaling exercises to help you practice recognizing your feelings and speaking them 'out loud' (or on paper). Or you may visit this site on emotional literacy that just so happens to contain an excellent list of emotional/feeling words. Don't be alexithymic anymore! Speak your truth today.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Don't try looking up this week's word in your desktop dictionary: It probably isn't there. Alexithymia (ah -LEX - eh - THY - MEE - ya) is only 30-some years old, very young in word years. Of course, far newer words and phrases are adopted into contemporary dictionaries every day, but only after the majority of the culture begins to regularly use them. Alexithymia has a little way to go on this front. However, medical dictionaries (do you have one on your shelf?) note the word's select popularity right up front.
Credited for introduction in 1972 by Dr. Peter Sifneos, M.D., the word means "an inability to articulate feelings," particularly in regard to emotions. It's a combination of the ancient Greek words a (without, lacking), lexis (word or diction), and thymos (emotions).
An interesting point to note here is that thymos also means spirited—and is thought to pertain to concepts that the brain's thymus deals with, like emotions.
Modern-day therapists and psychiatrists refer to their patients as alexithymic when, for example, they are obviously worked up, but can't explain what's going on in their lives to contribute to their upset state. But, of course, you don't have to be seeing a specialist to experience this all-too-common condition.
Do YOU know what you're feeling right NOW? If not, you may try journaling exercises to help you practice recognizing your feelings and speaking them 'out loud' (or on paper). Or you may visit this site on emotional literacy that just so happens to contain an excellent list of emotional/feeling words. Don't be alexithymic anymore! Speak your truth today.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 13, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Self-Talk
Summary: Self-talk isn't something everyone is familiar with—but it is something everyone does. If you have a tendency to tune out your emotions, you can benefit from becoming more self-aware. You and I will explore ways to do this over the coming weeks.
Do you talk to yourself? I do! And you do, too—whether you realize it or not.
The fact is, everyone 'talks' to himself or herself inside, even if it's not structured in complete sentences. The sentiment, the way we feel about ourselves, is readily apparent to others even more so than it is to you or me: The compassion we have (or don't have) for ourselves is often blatantly obvious in our actions, and especially in the way we treat others.
Take computer hackers, for example. There are all kinds of hackers out there. Some are employed by top computer companies and even the government, specifically to locate holes in security systems. Let's call them "the good guys." But my guess is the hackers who invented the elite (leet) language we learned about on Monday had little respect for themselves or others—hence their idea of being superior to mere mortals (moi) who don't even know the most basic of code language, HTML! Leetspeak has many times been embedded in code as a type of inside joke on the person or system being 'punked.' That's not a form of respect, for sure.
Over the next couple of weeks, you and I will explore some of the ways we treat others, and how this reflects (or deflects) what we're feeling inside, as well as some tools we can employ to become a little more self-aware. Keep reading!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Do you talk to yourself? I do! And you do, too—whether you realize it or not.
The fact is, everyone 'talks' to himself or herself inside, even if it's not structured in complete sentences. The sentiment, the way we feel about ourselves, is readily apparent to others even more so than it is to you or me: The compassion we have (or don't have) for ourselves is often blatantly obvious in our actions, and especially in the way we treat others.
Take computer hackers, for example. There are all kinds of hackers out there. Some are employed by top computer companies and even the government, specifically to locate holes in security systems. Let's call them "the good guys." But my guess is the hackers who invented the elite (leet) language we learned about on Monday had little respect for themselves or others—hence their idea of being superior to mere mortals (moi) who don't even know the most basic of code language, HTML! Leetspeak has many times been embedded in code as a type of inside joke on the person or system being 'punked.' That's not a form of respect, for sure.
Over the next couple of weeks, you and I will explore some of the ways we treat others, and how this reflects (or deflects) what we're feeling inside, as well as some tools we can employ to become a little more self-aware. Keep reading!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Dec 9, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Alert, Avert, Affirm Your Value—This Season & All Year Round
Summary: Taking care of yourself first is important all year round—but it's of the utmost importance during particularly stressful times, like the holidays. One popular technique, outlined in this blog post, is to "alert, avert, affirm" yourself to cope with stress.
It's a commonly used metaphor that makes a lot of sense: Just as flight safety plans caution passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first and then help those who may be dependent on them (children, elderly or disabled passengers), it's absolutely vital that you take care of yourself first before reaching to meet the needs of others. This is crucial in times of high stress—like the holidays.
I've been asking around for associations with the holidays, and I've gotten a lot of interesting answers. Family seems to be a big one. And that can connote joy or stress—or even a little of both to a lot of people. I tend to think of crowds, chaos, and cacophony (look that word up if you don't already know it!). There's the stress of shopping, the sounds of Muzak being piped in from everywhere, the sights and smells that take one back to childhood days when life was easier ... which can sometimes ignite a dangerous chain of thought that spirals into sadness and depression. Even if it doesn't, the assault on the senses alone is often dizzying and frenzied.
For people with compromised brain chemistry or low vitamin counts, the darker winter months that stretch across most of the U.S. are important times to be vigilant with self-care. Call it a self-care emergency.
A commonly used tactic to self-awareness in stressful situations can be summed up by the easy-to-recall phrase "alert, avert, affirm." (Some experts use a similar phrase, "distract, relax, and cope.") The basics are this:
Alert yourself to the problem. This doesn't mean you have to be making a conscious effort at all times to be vigilantly on the lookout for stress in your life. But once you realize you're feeling stressed or tense, or recognize that you're acting out toward others because of tension, take a moment to become aware of yourself and your surroundings: Where do you feel stress? (Anger often shows up as clenched teeth or hands, while nervousness and anxiety become stomach disruptions and increased heart rates.) How is it manifesting (are you snipping at others, driving erratically or slamming drawers and lids)? After some practice, this awareness becomes easier to note earlier in yourself.
Avert, divert, distract yourself from the upset. Relax in whatever way works for you, such as meditation, going for a run, breathing exercises or simply putting on your favorite music while you work. The important thing is to take at least 5 minutes to move away from the problem—physically if at all possible, and definitely emotionally—so that your brain chemistry can properly right itself and give you a better basis for decision-making.
Affirm by taking positive steps toward a solution to the problem at hand. This can be a literal affirmation ("I'm an important contributor to this team" may be a thought that alleviates anxiety over work judgment) or any other step that helps you to cope.
High-pressure times of year are perfect opportunities to practice stress-management techniques that can be used all-year round. The more you take care of yourself, the more of you is available to give generously to others, even if you're feeling the crisis.
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
It's a commonly used metaphor that makes a lot of sense: Just as flight safety plans caution passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first and then help those who may be dependent on them (children, elderly or disabled passengers), it's absolutely vital that you take care of yourself first before reaching to meet the needs of others. This is crucial in times of high stress—like the holidays.
I've been asking around for associations with the holidays, and I've gotten a lot of interesting answers. Family seems to be a big one. And that can connote joy or stress—or even a little of both to a lot of people. I tend to think of crowds, chaos, and cacophony (look that word up if you don't already know it!). There's the stress of shopping, the sounds of Muzak being piped in from everywhere, the sights and smells that take one back to childhood days when life was easier ... which can sometimes ignite a dangerous chain of thought that spirals into sadness and depression. Even if it doesn't, the assault on the senses alone is often dizzying and frenzied.
For people with compromised brain chemistry or low vitamin counts, the darker winter months that stretch across most of the U.S. are important times to be vigilant with self-care. Call it a self-care emergency.
A commonly used tactic to self-awareness in stressful situations can be summed up by the easy-to-recall phrase "alert, avert, affirm." (Some experts use a similar phrase, "distract, relax, and cope.") The basics are this:
Alert yourself to the problem. This doesn't mean you have to be making a conscious effort at all times to be vigilantly on the lookout for stress in your life. But once you realize you're feeling stressed or tense, or recognize that you're acting out toward others because of tension, take a moment to become aware of yourself and your surroundings: Where do you feel stress? (Anger often shows up as clenched teeth or hands, while nervousness and anxiety become stomach disruptions and increased heart rates.) How is it manifesting (are you snipping at others, driving erratically or slamming drawers and lids)? After some practice, this awareness becomes easier to note earlier in yourself.
Avert, divert, distract yourself from the upset. Relax in whatever way works for you, such as meditation, going for a run, breathing exercises or simply putting on your favorite music while you work. The important thing is to take at least 5 minutes to move away from the problem—physically if at all possible, and definitely emotionally—so that your brain chemistry can properly right itself and give you a better basis for decision-making.
Affirm by taking positive steps toward a solution to the problem at hand. This can be a literal affirmation ("I'm an important contributor to this team" may be a thought that alleviates anxiety over work judgment) or any other step that helps you to cope.
High-pressure times of year are perfect opportunities to practice stress-management techniques that can be used all-year round. The more you take care of yourself, the more of you is available to give generously to others, even if you're feeling the crisis.
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Aug 28, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Emotional Awareness Resources
Here is a list of outstanding resources on emotional awareness, or how to get in touch with and identify your feelings:
EQI.org – This site has so many wonderful resources to offer, particularly a list of "feeling words" (that's several pages long—and open to new words from anyone willing to contribute) and an interesting article by Lea Winerman about the cross-cultural belief that talking about emotional discomfort helps alleviate it.
EmotionalProcessing.org – Also chock-full of info., this site is more science-based than anecdotal. The page link here points out the "5 Levels of Emotional Awareness" (Lane & Schwartz, 1987) as: 1. physical sensations, 2. action tendancies, 3. single emotions, 4. blends of emotions, and 5. blends of blends of emotional experience. It's important to note that most external conflict starts at #4, and escalates exponentially at #5.
Edel Jarboe's Article – Titled "Emotional Intelligence," this 1999 article is still timely and important in correlating one's emotional state to one's ability to communicate with clarity. It lists 10 ways to improve your emotional intelligence—including my favorite, "Listen twice as much as you speak."
HelpGuide.org's Emotional Awareness Page – Anyone looking for a basic overview of emotions and their big picture purpose should start here. HelpGuide has a plethora of other resources, too, such as the page on Improving Emotional Awareness, which explains step-by-step how to experience and tolerate intense emotions.
In my personal time, I volunteer with a group called DBSA (the Depression Biplar Support Alliance), facilitating an advocacy and support group for people who've been diagnosed with Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder, as well as for their friends and family members. Our bimonthly meetings regularly focus on how to deal with emotions, especially in extremes. If you or someone you know has a particularly difficult time dealing with or acknowledging emotions, and you suspect Depression or Bipolar Disorder could be involved, contact DBSA for more information. The problem will never change until it's first acknowledged.
Whether or not you shut off your emotions, let them run your life (and sometimes the lives of those around you) or fall somewhere in between, emotions are the backbone of your personal communication style. If you review even one of the resources above over the coming weekend, you'll be that much more prepared on Monday to communicate with confidence and ease.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
EQI.org – This site has so many wonderful resources to offer, particularly a list of "feeling words" (that's several pages long—and open to new words from anyone willing to contribute) and an interesting article by Lea Winerman about the cross-cultural belief that talking about emotional discomfort helps alleviate it.
EmotionalProcessing.org – Also chock-full of info., this site is more science-based than anecdotal. The page link here points out the "5 Levels of Emotional Awareness" (Lane & Schwartz, 1987) as: 1. physical sensations, 2. action tendancies, 3. single emotions, 4. blends of emotions, and 5. blends of blends of emotional experience. It's important to note that most external conflict starts at #4, and escalates exponentially at #5.
Edel Jarboe's Article – Titled "Emotional Intelligence," this 1999 article is still timely and important in correlating one's emotional state to one's ability to communicate with clarity. It lists 10 ways to improve your emotional intelligence—including my favorite, "Listen twice as much as you speak."
HelpGuide.org's Emotional Awareness Page – Anyone looking for a basic overview of emotions and their big picture purpose should start here. HelpGuide has a plethora of other resources, too, such as the page on Improving Emotional Awareness, which explains step-by-step how to experience and tolerate intense emotions.
In my personal time, I volunteer with a group called DBSA (the Depression Biplar Support Alliance), facilitating an advocacy and support group for people who've been diagnosed with Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder, as well as for their friends and family members. Our bimonthly meetings regularly focus on how to deal with emotions, especially in extremes. If you or someone you know has a particularly difficult time dealing with or acknowledging emotions, and you suspect Depression or Bipolar Disorder could be involved, contact DBSA for more information. The problem will never change until it's first acknowledged.
Whether or not you shut off your emotions, let them run your life (and sometimes the lives of those around you) or fall somewhere in between, emotions are the backbone of your personal communication style. If you review even one of the resources above over the coming weekend, you'll be that much more prepared on Monday to communicate with confidence and ease.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
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