Summary: If you're less of a social butterfly than you are a shy wallflower, the thought of holiday festivities may cause you worry and fear. Follow these basic tips to break the ice at social gatherings—now and any time of year.
If your calendar is bulging with the weight of social functions—office holiday parties with clients and co-workers, seasonally-themed dinner parties with friends, school and social outings with the kids—you are by no means alone. (And if you've attended even one of those functions, you already know that's true!)
For all of you social butterflies out there, this is your time to sparkle and shine. But what if you're less "social butterfly" and more "wallflower"? Or perhaps you like to socialize, but get burned out after two or three occasions in one month (or week): What do you do?
Mustering up enough energy to be bubbly at every seasonal social occasion that comes your way may not be realistic. But there are some tricks you can apply to make certain you at least socialize appropriately—and even have a little fun, yourself, while you're at it, no matter how much you want to run to the shelter of your own home. The phrase "breaking the ice" is a commonly-used American idiom that refers to those awkward first moments upon meeting strangers. In corporate team-building exercises, "ice-breakers" are the ones done at the start of the experience, usually involving pairing off into partners or forming small groups and answering personal questions in a novel way.
Here are just a few ways you can break the ice in a variety of settings—now and all year round:
Ask questions. Most people like to talk about themselves. If you're having a hard time thinking of a conversation-starter, have a handful of general questions in mind that you can ask anyone, anywhere. Some good basics are: "How do you know the host(s)?" and "Do you live in this area?" With the exception of company parties, another stand-by is: "What do you do for a living?"
Sometimes seemingly innocent questions can spark controversy, but don't take it personally if this happens with someone you're addressing. After all, you aren't psychic. A graceful way to back out of such a situation (say, if someone you've asked, "What do you do for a living?" begins hemming and hawing about having been downsized or, worse, launches into a tirade about the economy that offends your sense of politics) is to kindly reply, "Oh, I'm sorry for asking," and change the subject using one of the other tactics noted in this blog post.
Compliment people. Flattery will get you everywhere! (Never mind the popular idiom to the contrary—at least not in lighthearted circumstances.) Some of the easiest conversation-starters begin with, "I really like that centerpiece. Did you make it?" (or "That scarf is beautiful. Where did you find it?"). Be sincere when making such comments, because that helps to build rapport.
Keep it simple. When it comes to answering questions yourself, your best bet is to keep your answers brief and to the point, particularly if you have hard time trusting people you've just met. It may be tempting to become gregarious, but this will only backfire on you emotionally later if you're prone to worry that you may have said too much. This doesn't mean to respond in only yes-or-no answers. Just provide a few details and then redirect the conversation with some questions of your own. This keeps a momentum to the conversation, as in a kind of verbal tennis match with each side lobbing words instead of balls. ("So, how do you know the hosts?" "We do business together. Tim's been a wonderful client for about five years now. And how do you know them?" "We're neighbors. We've been neighbors now for nearly a decade. It's hard to believe. Are you in sales, like Tim?" "Direct marketing: I'm a printer, actually. My company prints brochures and flyers and business cards for Tim. What do you do for a living?")
A final tip for breaking the holiday party ice is to keep the cocktails and spiced eggnog to a minimum. Sometimes food and drink can be a crutch at a social affair. It's okay to use it as a conversation-starter, such as saying, "Have you tried the eggnog yet? It's very flavorful!" But if you eat or drink to excess, you're more likely to give yourself indigestion or ignore all social graces than to successfully enjoy the party. After all, if you truly didn't want to be invited back next year, you probably wouldn't be attending in the first place!
Happy mingling, my friends!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Showing posts with label holiday stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday stress. Show all posts
Dec 23, 2009
Dec 21, 2009
WORD OF THE WEEK: Happy & Halcyon
Summary: December is often a stressful month that can be full of energy and enthusiasm at its best moments. No wonder we're often wishing each other peace around this time of year. This week's word, halcyon—which means peace (and also peace-bringer)—is my hope for peace to you.
The month of December is drawing to a close. People are busy celebrating and have been celebrating the year 2009 with great gusto: cooking, feasting, gift-giving, and celebrating with ceremony that entails numerous details. They're trading well-wishes in the form of cards and slogans, most of them containing the words, merry and happy and joyful.
Soon we will be setting goals for 2010 and looking toward our future. The emphasis is on enthusiasm in all of these scenarios.
But there's another word that permeates and inspires in December. That word is peace. "Peace be with you," we say to each other; we wish for "peace on earth" and hope in our hearts that there may be some peace of mind for us, personally.
Today's word is my own wish for you—both in your heart and in your household. Let me tell you a little story about it first:
Once upon a time, there was a little boat that set sail upon the sea from Greece. As it sailed on its merry way, it encountered a storm that tossed the boat to and fro, rocking it fiercely. Eventually, the thunderous wail and riotous tumult of the stormy skies and sea waves began to subside. A bird—a kingfisher, also known as a halcyon—flew down and landed on the boat's prow, watching over the waves as they slowly came to a calm. The little boat, though it was wood and could not feel, was happily buoyed again.
Halcyon (HAL - see - EN), this week's featured word, is both a noun and an adjective. As a noun, it is a type of bird like a kingfisher that feeds from the ocean, frequently after a storm as fish return closer to the surface (where they feed on insects—there to scoop up water and eat smaller insects—that have hidden in tight clusters for the storm's duration). In the days of ancient civilization, Grecian seafarers did not fully grasp this life cycle, and instead believed the kingfisher, or halcyon, was a bird that brought peace to the sea with its watchful gaze.
As an adjective, the word halcyon simply means peaceful.
May the great bird of peace glide over your home this winter and bless you throughout this week.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
The month of December is drawing to a close. People are busy celebrating and have been celebrating the year 2009 with great gusto: cooking, feasting, gift-giving, and celebrating with ceremony that entails numerous details. They're trading well-wishes in the form of cards and slogans, most of them containing the words, merry and happy and joyful.
Soon we will be setting goals for 2010 and looking toward our future. The emphasis is on enthusiasm in all of these scenarios.
But there's another word that permeates and inspires in December. That word is peace. "Peace be with you," we say to each other; we wish for "peace on earth" and hope in our hearts that there may be some peace of mind for us, personally.
Today's word is my own wish for you—both in your heart and in your household. Let me tell you a little story about it first:
Once upon a time, there was a little boat that set sail upon the sea from Greece. As it sailed on its merry way, it encountered a storm that tossed the boat to and fro, rocking it fiercely. Eventually, the thunderous wail and riotous tumult of the stormy skies and sea waves began to subside. A bird—a kingfisher, also known as a halcyon—flew down and landed on the boat's prow, watching over the waves as they slowly came to a calm. The little boat, though it was wood and could not feel, was happily buoyed again.
Halcyon (HAL - see - EN), this week's featured word, is both a noun and an adjective. As a noun, it is a type of bird like a kingfisher that feeds from the ocean, frequently after a storm as fish return closer to the surface (where they feed on insects—there to scoop up water and eat smaller insects—that have hidden in tight clusters for the storm's duration). In the days of ancient civilization, Grecian seafarers did not fully grasp this life cycle, and instead believed the kingfisher, or halcyon, was a bird that brought peace to the sea with its watchful gaze.
As an adjective, the word halcyon simply means peaceful.
May the great bird of peace glide over your home this winter and bless you throughout this week.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Dec 9, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Alert, Avert, Affirm Your Value—This Season & All Year Round
Summary: Taking care of yourself first is important all year round—but it's of the utmost importance during particularly stressful times, like the holidays. One popular technique, outlined in this blog post, is to "alert, avert, affirm" yourself to cope with stress.
It's a commonly used metaphor that makes a lot of sense: Just as flight safety plans caution passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first and then help those who may be dependent on them (children, elderly or disabled passengers), it's absolutely vital that you take care of yourself first before reaching to meet the needs of others. This is crucial in times of high stress—like the holidays.
I've been asking around for associations with the holidays, and I've gotten a lot of interesting answers. Family seems to be a big one. And that can connote joy or stress—or even a little of both to a lot of people. I tend to think of crowds, chaos, and cacophony (look that word up if you don't already know it!). There's the stress of shopping, the sounds of Muzak being piped in from everywhere, the sights and smells that take one back to childhood days when life was easier ... which can sometimes ignite a dangerous chain of thought that spirals into sadness and depression. Even if it doesn't, the assault on the senses alone is often dizzying and frenzied.
For people with compromised brain chemistry or low vitamin counts, the darker winter months that stretch across most of the U.S. are important times to be vigilant with self-care. Call it a self-care emergency.
A commonly used tactic to self-awareness in stressful situations can be summed up by the easy-to-recall phrase "alert, avert, affirm." (Some experts use a similar phrase, "distract, relax, and cope.") The basics are this:
Alert yourself to the problem. This doesn't mean you have to be making a conscious effort at all times to be vigilantly on the lookout for stress in your life. But once you realize you're feeling stressed or tense, or recognize that you're acting out toward others because of tension, take a moment to become aware of yourself and your surroundings: Where do you feel stress? (Anger often shows up as clenched teeth or hands, while nervousness and anxiety become stomach disruptions and increased heart rates.) How is it manifesting (are you snipping at others, driving erratically or slamming drawers and lids)? After some practice, this awareness becomes easier to note earlier in yourself.
Avert, divert, distract yourself from the upset. Relax in whatever way works for you, such as meditation, going for a run, breathing exercises or simply putting on your favorite music while you work. The important thing is to take at least 5 minutes to move away from the problem—physically if at all possible, and definitely emotionally—so that your brain chemistry can properly right itself and give you a better basis for decision-making.
Affirm by taking positive steps toward a solution to the problem at hand. This can be a literal affirmation ("I'm an important contributor to this team" may be a thought that alleviates anxiety over work judgment) or any other step that helps you to cope.
High-pressure times of year are perfect opportunities to practice stress-management techniques that can be used all-year round. The more you take care of yourself, the more of you is available to give generously to others, even if you're feeling the crisis.
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
It's a commonly used metaphor that makes a lot of sense: Just as flight safety plans caution passengers to put on their own oxygen masks first and then help those who may be dependent on them (children, elderly or disabled passengers), it's absolutely vital that you take care of yourself first before reaching to meet the needs of others. This is crucial in times of high stress—like the holidays.
I've been asking around for associations with the holidays, and I've gotten a lot of interesting answers. Family seems to be a big one. And that can connote joy or stress—or even a little of both to a lot of people. I tend to think of crowds, chaos, and cacophony (look that word up if you don't already know it!). There's the stress of shopping, the sounds of Muzak being piped in from everywhere, the sights and smells that take one back to childhood days when life was easier ... which can sometimes ignite a dangerous chain of thought that spirals into sadness and depression. Even if it doesn't, the assault on the senses alone is often dizzying and frenzied.
For people with compromised brain chemistry or low vitamin counts, the darker winter months that stretch across most of the U.S. are important times to be vigilant with self-care. Call it a self-care emergency.
A commonly used tactic to self-awareness in stressful situations can be summed up by the easy-to-recall phrase "alert, avert, affirm." (Some experts use a similar phrase, "distract, relax, and cope.") The basics are this:
Alert yourself to the problem. This doesn't mean you have to be making a conscious effort at all times to be vigilantly on the lookout for stress in your life. But once you realize you're feeling stressed or tense, or recognize that you're acting out toward others because of tension, take a moment to become aware of yourself and your surroundings: Where do you feel stress? (Anger often shows up as clenched teeth or hands, while nervousness and anxiety become stomach disruptions and increased heart rates.) How is it manifesting (are you snipping at others, driving erratically or slamming drawers and lids)? After some practice, this awareness becomes easier to note earlier in yourself.
Avert, divert, distract yourself from the upset. Relax in whatever way works for you, such as meditation, going for a run, breathing exercises or simply putting on your favorite music while you work. The important thing is to take at least 5 minutes to move away from the problem—physically if at all possible, and definitely emotionally—so that your brain chemistry can properly right itself and give you a better basis for decision-making.
Affirm by taking positive steps toward a solution to the problem at hand. This can be a literal affirmation ("I'm an important contributor to this team" may be a thought that alleviates anxiety over work judgment) or any other step that helps you to cope.
High-pressure times of year are perfect opportunities to practice stress-management techniques that can be used all-year round. The more you take care of yourself, the more of you is available to give generously to others, even if you're feeling the crisis.
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Dec 2, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Honest Thanksgiving is Truly Speaking Your Truth
Summary: I recently read two side-by-side newspaper articles about handling holiday stress that seemed to contradict each other: One said to accept your feelings for what they are, and the other said to give thanks all year round in order to attain happiness. Can these messages be meshed into one?
Recently, I started a subscription to my local paper. (Yes, I know: Newspapers are going by the way of the dinosaurs, but I just can't stop myself from putting up a bit of a fight on their behalf. ... Plus, the subscription costs are at an all-time low.) Over the weekend, during a brief break between family get-togethers, I sat down to a cup of coffee and the giant Sunday edition, and found myself drawn to two different articles about holiday stress.
One was titled, "Facing Feelings Leads to Healing," and was written by a columnist who's also a practicing therapist. Just beneath that was an AP article about the benefits of thanksgiving all year round.
If you put these two articles' messages together, the outcome is this: Humans are programmed to have emotional reactions to external (and internal) stress; a positive overall outlook is helpful—especially when tempered with a realistic acceptance of the stressful situation at hand.
One expert is quoted as saying, "You can't be depressed and grateful at the same time," which is actually one of my favorite little reminders in life's overwhelming moments. (Another is the phrase, "This, too, shall pass.") But the therapist-columnist writes that, before we make lemonade out of the lemons life gives us, we should "embrace the lemon" first.
I call that speaking your truth!
Peace be with you this holiday season as you balance your inner feelings with your outer world, always striving to accept yourself for who you are and your life for what it is, and ever remembering to be thankful for your own reality every day.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Recently, I started a subscription to my local paper. (Yes, I know: Newspapers are going by the way of the dinosaurs, but I just can't stop myself from putting up a bit of a fight on their behalf. ... Plus, the subscription costs are at an all-time low.) Over the weekend, during a brief break between family get-togethers, I sat down to a cup of coffee and the giant Sunday edition, and found myself drawn to two different articles about holiday stress.
One was titled, "Facing Feelings Leads to Healing," and was written by a columnist who's also a practicing therapist. Just beneath that was an AP article about the benefits of thanksgiving all year round.
If you put these two articles' messages together, the outcome is this: Humans are programmed to have emotional reactions to external (and internal) stress; a positive overall outlook is helpful—especially when tempered with a realistic acceptance of the stressful situation at hand.
One expert is quoted as saying, "You can't be depressed and grateful at the same time," which is actually one of my favorite little reminders in life's overwhelming moments. (Another is the phrase, "This, too, shall pass.") But the therapist-columnist writes that, before we make lemonade out of the lemons life gives us, we should "embrace the lemon" first.
I call that speaking your truth!
Peace be with you this holiday season as you balance your inner feelings with your outer world, always striving to accept yourself for who you are and your life for what it is, and ever remembering to be thankful for your own reality every day.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 20, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: The Right Frame of Mind (Holiday Grief)
Summary: This is a stressful time of year, especially for me. I use soothing self-talk as one means to help keep myself grounded in and accepting of my present (a la Abraham Low's group Recovery International). Are you grateful for today?
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 18, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Avoiding the Unavoidable, Holiday Stress
Summary: The "good stress" of the holidays may seem ineluctable, but it doesn't have to overtake your life. Follow these suggestions, courtesy of communications coach Cathy Emma, to stay sane as you accomplish your winter goals.
It's that time of year again: Time for the joy of giving and receiving, the celebration of family, ... the stress of planning and shopping and cooking and hosting and visiting and of generally taking on so much extra responsibility!
How do you stay sane? Frankly, some of us don't. But there are measures any of us can take to give it our best shot.
If you (or those you love) suffer from disease—be it a mental illness or a physical illness—the additional stress of the holidays can push you over the edge. The way we communicate when we're feeling internal pressure generally looks like the following in one or more ways: absent-minded, terse, angry, hostile, loud, tearful, apologetic, brusque. Depending on our personalities and the ways we've been taught to cope with stress throughout our lives, we can exhibit any combination of these traits in response to even the simplest of questions asked by friends and family and even co-workers. We can also go to the opposite extreme and become completely silent.
None of these responses helps us solve the problem of our stress. In fact, just the opposite: It compounds it for us and for those around us.
This week, I received an e-newsletter from communications specialist Cathy Emma, who provided some excellent techniques for heading off holiday stress at the pass. Among her suggestions were these:
- Keep your fitness track on plan. "Healthy living relieves stress," Cathy reminds. And putting yourself first means that there will be more of you to go around when the time comes.
- Appreciate the positive aspects of the holiday. When you expect to be stressed out, you usually are. But when you're able to remind yourself exactly why it is that you're taking on the extra load right now, it helps you feel like you have a voice in your own life and your plans, rather than resentful obligations. It may help to mentally note one reason why you choose to go through with your plans each time you feel any stressed-out resentment creeping in—such as, "I'm making these special pies, so that Grandpa has something sugar-free to eat this year."
- Keep the stress out of your voice and speech. The fact is, we all take on an extra load to our personal calendars at this time of year, no matter how we celebrate. Even if we choose not to celebrate, we're likely to pick up on the frenetic energy around us at the office, at our friends' homes, and in the streets, sidewalks, and stores. But coming from a place of stress is not only unprofessional, it's selfish. Cathy encourages us to use a tone of voice that's "bright and enthusiastic." Practice speaking like this regularly, and you will begin to feel it sincerely.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
It's that time of year again: Time for the joy of giving and receiving, the celebration of family, ... the stress of planning and shopping and cooking and hosting and visiting and of generally taking on so much extra responsibility!
How do you stay sane? Frankly, some of us don't. But there are measures any of us can take to give it our best shot.
If you (or those you love) suffer from disease—be it a mental illness or a physical illness—the additional stress of the holidays can push you over the edge. The way we communicate when we're feeling internal pressure generally looks like the following in one or more ways: absent-minded, terse, angry, hostile, loud, tearful, apologetic, brusque. Depending on our personalities and the ways we've been taught to cope with stress throughout our lives, we can exhibit any combination of these traits in response to even the simplest of questions asked by friends and family and even co-workers. We can also go to the opposite extreme and become completely silent.
None of these responses helps us solve the problem of our stress. In fact, just the opposite: It compounds it for us and for those around us.
This week, I received an e-newsletter from communications specialist Cathy Emma, who provided some excellent techniques for heading off holiday stress at the pass. Among her suggestions were these:
- Keep your fitness track on plan. "Healthy living relieves stress," Cathy reminds. And putting yourself first means that there will be more of you to go around when the time comes.
- Appreciate the positive aspects of the holiday. When you expect to be stressed out, you usually are. But when you're able to remind yourself exactly why it is that you're taking on the extra load right now, it helps you feel like you have a voice in your own life and your plans, rather than resentful obligations. It may help to mentally note one reason why you choose to go through with your plans each time you feel any stressed-out resentment creeping in—such as, "I'm making these special pies, so that Grandpa has something sugar-free to eat this year."
- Keep the stress out of your voice and speech. The fact is, we all take on an extra load to our personal calendars at this time of year, no matter how we celebrate. Even if we choose not to celebrate, we're likely to pick up on the frenetic energy around us at the office, at our friends' homes, and in the streets, sidewalks, and stores. But coming from a place of stress is not only unprofessional, it's selfish. Cathy encourages us to use a tone of voice that's "bright and enthusiastic." Practice speaking like this regularly, and you will begin to feel it sincerely.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
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