Summary: When good vacations go bad, it's easy to get caught up in the natural disappointment you feel. But how do you recover? Rather than returning home feeling like you need a vacation from your vacation, read the 4 steps below that help you STOP and assess your situation to change your attitude.
Last Monday, I wrote about the history and meaning of the word sabbatical. I also shared how my own self-imposed writing sabbatical went awry. And I asked you to share your stories about vacations that took a wrong turn—and how you coped with the unexpected change in plans.
Here are some of the stories I received:
• Delia said she was in the midst of a bad vacation, herself. She, her husband, and their toddler had taken a two-week trip to Boston—only to be ambushed by the flu. Instead of sight-seeing, they were holed up in their hotel room for days on end, coping with their colds.
• Christine recalled a vaca to Glacier National Park where "one walloping argument ... kind of ruined a lovely place."
• Melissa and Kim said they'd also experienced fighting on supposedly romantic getaways, though they preferred not to share the details. Meanwhile, Lee Ann said she'd never had a romantic getaway with her husband! I wonder which is more emotionally upsetting?
• Mark, who is a seminary student, didn't share any vacation stories, but did say he appreciates the word choice of sabbatical—and that he'll be appreciating it even more in the years to come!
As for their emotional responses to these experiences, Delia's outlook was the most optimistic: She shared that, despite their disappointment, they were, "staying positive and united as a family." It's much more difficult to be positive all on your own, as was likely the case with the others when arguments got in the way of good expectations. Christine said she and her husband, "had spent way too much time with just the two of us at that point" when they fought on their trip.
What's the recipe for finding your happy place when you're away from home? Here are some steps that may help you STOP and reassess your situation:
1. STOP - The second you notice yourself getting worked up and upset (whether it's because you notice yourself picking a fight with others around you or because you have an emotional response like wanting to cry), stop whatever you're doing that instant. Even if you're in public, it's okay to walk away for a moment.
2. TAKE A MOMENT - Taking a moment for yourself is imperative to moving forward with peace when emotions are beginning to overwhelm you.
3. OBSERVE YOURSELF - In order to step out of yourself to objectively observe, ask yourself, "What am I feeling physically?" and "What am I feeling emotionally?" as well as "What are my thoughts?" (Read more in these two posts about methods by Abraham Low and Byron Katie.)
4. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK - It's important to congratulate yourself for keeping your composure. This is where affirmations come in very handy. (I've written a lot on the subject of affirmations in this blog, so I encourage you to search the phrase and check out these many posts, in addition to clicking this link.) With a healthier frame of mind, you can usually rescue your day, if not your entire trip, and find the funny side of the situation.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Showing posts with label affirmations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label affirmations. Show all posts
Jan 10, 2011
Nov 19, 2010
Coaching My Dad
Summary: My favorite client is the one I'm working with right NOW—whenever now may be. Despite that, here's one story that will live in my heart forever (and that I simply have to share with you). This is how I coached my dad ....
I'm a lucky woman: I've got a wonderful father who's always been a very involved part of my life from childhood through my present adult years. He has been a role model not only to me, my sisters and other members of our family, but he's also someone that people in our small community (the town in Indiana where I grew up) have looked up to all my life. As a grown-up now, I can see why.
Dad is consistent in
his beliefs and in his actions. He's very friendly and tries his best to welcome others. And he just plain likes to have fun. Diplomatic, protective, open-minded and open-hearted: These are a few other words that come to mind to describe him.
Imagine how honored I was to be able to give something back to someone like this. It's an experience I had relatively recently, and one I know I'll always remember and cherish.
At age 60, Dad is a new student. He's gone back to school—again—this time, studying for his Masters in Divinity. He was very excited about it at the outset. (We all were!) But when I went home to visit a few weeks ago, his enthusiasm had decidedly waned.
"How are you?" I greeted him in his office.
He made a noise that was part groan and part growl. "Not good," he answered honestly. "I've got a paper due in Theology, and I have no idea what I'm doing."
Little did he know, Mom had already prepped me, saying, "Your dad's really struggling with his classes this semester. It's the reading that's doing him in. You love to read. Do you think you could give him some pointers when you're home?" I wasn't sure if I'd be of any use in this area. If not for Mom's nudging, I may well have simply sympathized with my dad, then left him alone in his office to tackle his studies on his own (flailing) terms. But instead, I offered to listen.
I listened as he detailed how lost he'd felt in his classes, wondering what academia had to do with spirituality. I listened as he described how his ADD seemed to be more distressing than ever when he sat down to read. And I heard the sadness and saw the despair in his voice, words and body language.
That's when the coach in me kicked in. Over the next two days, we spent the bulk of our time in the office: Mom popped in from time to time to give one or both of us a hug or offer us some hot tea; Dad and I surrounded ourselves with his textbooks, a dictionary of theological terms and his past essay papers. We huddled together over the computer, sometimes with a cat on one of our laps, or leaned back in our chairs to make sweeping gestures as we shared expansive thoughts. When it was all said and done, Dad had a number of action items on his calendar (meet with his study group or study solo at the library on class days, for example), several tools in his study arsenal (like a dictionary on his smart phone and a running list of new vocabulary words), and a mantra—or customized affirmation—that gave him complete peace of mind over his process ("I do have the time, and I do know the words").
Most gratifying to me was this: Not only did my dad say he understood the material now more than he had in six weeks, he had his head held up high, his shoulders squarely back, and a smile on his face again. Dad had rediscovered his self-confidence in his place in seminary.
What do you think lack of time and lack of knowledge are holding back in your life? Do you really have the time? Do you really know the words? Dad does now. He's even been using his new-found knowledge where he'll need it most: the pulpit.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
I'm a lucky woman: I've got a wonderful father who's always been a very involved part of my life from childhood through my present adult years. He has been a role model not only to me, my sisters and other members of our family, but he's also someone that people in our small community (the town in Indiana where I grew up) have looked up to all my life. As a grown-up now, I can see why.
Dad is consistent in
his beliefs and in his actions. He's very friendly and tries his best to welcome others. And he just plain likes to have fun. Diplomatic, protective, open-minded and open-hearted: These are a few other words that come to mind to describe him.Imagine how honored I was to be able to give something back to someone like this. It's an experience I had relatively recently, and one I know I'll always remember and cherish.
At age 60, Dad is a new student. He's gone back to school—again—this time, studying for his Masters in Divinity. He was very excited about it at the outset. (We all were!) But when I went home to visit a few weeks ago, his enthusiasm had decidedly waned.
"How are you?" I greeted him in his office.
He made a noise that was part groan and part growl. "Not good," he answered honestly. "I've got a paper due in Theology, and I have no idea what I'm doing."
Little did he know, Mom had already prepped me, saying, "Your dad's really struggling with his classes this semester. It's the reading that's doing him in. You love to read. Do you think you could give him some pointers when you're home?" I wasn't sure if I'd be of any use in this area. If not for Mom's nudging, I may well have simply sympathized with my dad, then left him alone in his office to tackle his studies on his own (flailing) terms. But instead, I offered to listen.
I listened as he detailed how lost he'd felt in his classes, wondering what academia had to do with spirituality. I listened as he described how his ADD seemed to be more distressing than ever when he sat down to read. And I heard the sadness and saw the despair in his voice, words and body language.
That's when the coach in me kicked in. Over the next two days, we spent the bulk of our time in the office: Mom popped in from time to time to give one or both of us a hug or offer us some hot tea; Dad and I surrounded ourselves with his textbooks, a dictionary of theological terms and his past essay papers. We huddled together over the computer, sometimes with a cat on one of our laps, or leaned back in our chairs to make sweeping gestures as we shared expansive thoughts. When it was all said and done, Dad had a number of action items on his calendar (meet with his study group or study solo at the library on class days, for example), several tools in his study arsenal (like a dictionary on his smart phone and a running list of new vocabulary words), and a mantra—or customized affirmation—that gave him complete peace of mind over his process ("I do have the time, and I do know the words").
Most gratifying to me was this: Not only did my dad say he understood the material now more than he had in six weeks, he had his head held up high, his shoulders squarely back, and a smile on his face again. Dad had rediscovered his self-confidence in his place in seminary.
What do you think lack of time and lack of knowledge are holding back in your life? Do you really have the time? Do you really know the words? Dad does now. He's even been using his new-found knowledge where he'll need it most: the pulpit.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Sep 23, 2010
3 Easy Ways to Speak Clearly When You're Depressed
Summary: Concluding our blog series about the brain challenges that depression brings, today I share with you 3 easy ways to change negative brain chemistry and re-focus your communication skills when you need to most.
Depression seriously hinders your ability to communicate clearly. In fact, it even affects your ability to think clearly, so that often when you're down, you may not know what it is you really mean to say. Consider this scenario:
You oversleep (a common symptom of depression) and find yourself running late to an important work meeting. Because of the negative outlook you have during depressed states, you can't stop thinking about how many times you've been late before and the dire consequences it will have on your career this time. You even focus on a mental list you make of your negative traits, including "laziness" for oversleeping again. Because your brain is preoccupied with all of this, you have a hard time focusing on your routine and wind up running even further behind. To make matters worse, you walk out the door without the important report you need for the meeting!
By the time you get to the meeting—late, of course—and realize your mistake, you know you'll have some explaining to do. But the only thoughts you can muster sound something like: "I'm such a failure. I'm probably going to get fired from this project, and I deserve it, too." And when you're confronted by your supervisor at the meeting's end, it's pretty much those sentiments you share, only even less intelligibly.
Here are three techniques that can help you think more clearly to lessen depression's hold on your tongue and your outlook this winter:
Exercise - Studies have shown that regular exercise changes brain chemistry, promoting "feel good" chemicals like endorphins that can provide a euphoric feeling. (Ever hear of "runner's high?" It's not just a myth!) During depression, these chemicals are generally lacking; so boosting them can restore balance. Start small if you must: The simple act of walking around the block counts.
Meditation - Similarly, meditation promotes harmony in brain chemistry and harmony in the body, too. Pain is another common symptom of the disease, but calming your worry and negativity will help to alleviate some of that. If you've already been exercising, a good time to meditate is right after your workout, when you are experiencing some positivity. Start by focusing on your body first—how it feels as you sit or lie down; what your breath feels like in your chest, lungs, belly, nostrils; any other sensations you notice. Then move into noticing your thoughts. If you practice observing them without judgment, you may further lessen depression's grip on your thinking. This may be hard to start with, but it does get easier. To help, picture thoughts like buses or trains that you watch but choose not to enter.
Affirmations - If you're able to exercise at least three times a week (mornings are best if you're suffering from depression, because you can start your day off with a little clarity) and are meditating at least once a week after you exercise, you're certainly ready to tackle the rest of that negative thinking with some conscious counter-thinking. Affirmations are excellent tools for this. A good, simple affirmation for depression is: "I feel good. I intentionally create my life today."
I've mentioned that I'm prone to seasonal depression, myself. (For more on the different types of depression, click here.) I like to combine affirmations and exercise together by dancing around to music on my earbuds: a mix of songs with "happy" and "feel good" that are upbeat. My favorite mix includes four different versions of James Brown's "I Feel Good!" And it makes me feel just that. Try some of these techniques for yourself and tell me how it makes you feel.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Depression seriously hinders your ability to communicate clearly. In fact, it even affects your ability to think clearly, so that often when you're down, you may not know what it is you really mean to say. Consider this scenario:
You oversleep (a common symptom of depression) and find yourself running late to an important work meeting. Because of the negative outlook you have during depressed states, you can't stop thinking about how many times you've been late before and the dire consequences it will have on your career this time. You even focus on a mental list you make of your negative traits, including "laziness" for oversleeping again. Because your brain is preoccupied with all of this, you have a hard time focusing on your routine and wind up running even further behind. To make matters worse, you walk out the door without the important report you need for the meeting!
By the time you get to the meeting—late, of course—and realize your mistake, you know you'll have some explaining to do. But the only thoughts you can muster sound something like: "I'm such a failure. I'm probably going to get fired from this project, and I deserve it, too." And when you're confronted by your supervisor at the meeting's end, it's pretty much those sentiments you share, only even less intelligibly.
Here are three techniques that can help you think more clearly to lessen depression's hold on your tongue and your outlook this winter:
Exercise - Studies have shown that regular exercise changes brain chemistry, promoting "feel good" chemicals like endorphins that can provide a euphoric feeling. (Ever hear of "runner's high?" It's not just a myth!) During depression, these chemicals are generally lacking; so boosting them can restore balance. Start small if you must: The simple act of walking around the block counts.
Meditation - Similarly, meditation promotes harmony in brain chemistry and harmony in the body, too. Pain is another common symptom of the disease, but calming your worry and negativity will help to alleviate some of that. If you've already been exercising, a good time to meditate is right after your workout, when you are experiencing some positivity. Start by focusing on your body first—how it feels as you sit or lie down; what your breath feels like in your chest, lungs, belly, nostrils; any other sensations you notice. Then move into noticing your thoughts. If you practice observing them without judgment, you may further lessen depression's grip on your thinking. This may be hard to start with, but it does get easier. To help, picture thoughts like buses or trains that you watch but choose not to enter.
Affirmations - If you're able to exercise at least three times a week (mornings are best if you're suffering from depression, because you can start your day off with a little clarity) and are meditating at least once a week after you exercise, you're certainly ready to tackle the rest of that negative thinking with some conscious counter-thinking. Affirmations are excellent tools for this. A good, simple affirmation for depression is: "I feel good. I intentionally create my life today."
I've mentioned that I'm prone to seasonal depression, myself. (For more on the different types of depression, click here.) I like to combine affirmations and exercise together by dancing around to music on my earbuds: a mix of songs with "happy" and "feel good" that are upbeat. My favorite mix includes four different versions of James Brown's "I Feel Good!" And it makes me feel just that. Try some of these techniques for yourself and tell me how it makes you feel.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Apr 19, 2010
WORD OF THE WEEK: Pusillanimous
Summary: Wrapping up our series on fear, we end with the word of the week, pusillanimous. Don't be cowardly about sharing tricks that help you to bravely face and defeat your fears!
Pusillanimous (PYOO - sil - AN - eh - mus) - (adj.) cowardly; lacking courage and conviction; contemptibly timid.
From the Latin words pusillus (meaning very small) and animus (meaning spirit), the word pusillanimous skulked into the English language around 1586. When you let fear override your sense of self for any reason, either at work or in your personal life, you behave pusillanimously. You can end up not only disappointing yourself and others around you, but even buying into self-loathing afterward.
What's the remedy to this? What do YOU do to talk yourself out of wimpy behavior and into bravely defeating that old nemesis, fear? Share your tips today!
I'll start: When I'm feeling fearful, one thing I like to do is repeat an affirmation (I use several that I can select from to fit the situation at hand) that makes me feel stronger inside. I've recommended this to family members, friends, and of course, to clients. It's a cinch! Bravery comes easily with the right affirmation. Then it's: Goodbye, puny and pusillanimous self-pity! Forget fear and welcome to wisdom. ... So, what works for you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Pusillanimous (PYOO - sil - AN - eh - mus) - (adj.) cowardly; lacking courage and conviction; contemptibly timid.
From the Latin words pusillus (meaning very small) and animus (meaning spirit), the word pusillanimous skulked into the English language around 1586. When you let fear override your sense of self for any reason, either at work or in your personal life, you behave pusillanimously. You can end up not only disappointing yourself and others around you, but even buying into self-loathing afterward.
What's the remedy to this? What do YOU do to talk yourself out of wimpy behavior and into bravely defeating that old nemesis, fear? Share your tips today!
I'll start: When I'm feeling fearful, one thing I like to do is repeat an affirmation (I use several that I can select from to fit the situation at hand) that makes me feel stronger inside. I've recommended this to family members, friends, and of course, to clients. It's a cinch! Bravery comes easily with the right affirmation. Then it's: Goodbye, puny and pusillanimous self-pity! Forget fear and welcome to wisdom. ... So, what works for you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 24, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Affirmations Resources
Summary: Today's post compiles a number of resources on affirmations, from detailed information (including 5 words you should never use in your customized affirmation sentence) to sample sentences and videos that you can use.
Just in case you still need a little more direction on the concept or usage of affirmations, here is a list of other great sites that can provide you with just that. Enjoy!
VitalAffirmations.com supplies—in addition to articles, e-cards and other affirmations-centered items—free daily affirmation sentences for you to use as needed. (Today's is "I regularly take time out just for me to do the things I love"—like looking up affirmations!)
This article on "The Power of Affirmations" goes in-depth into positive thinking and also provides some sample sentences that can be easily used affirmatively.
Bill Marshall's PowerAffirmations.com contains a slide show that lists the 488 affirmations he uses regularly to build confidence and success.
YouTube also contains a number of videos on affirmations. (Just type "affirmations" in the search box at the top of the page to see a list of nearly ten thousand videos!)
For some helpful hints about what your own, personally customized affirmation sentence should not contain, check out this blog post by my fellow blogger Barbara J. Henry, titled "Five Words to Delete from Your Vocabulary."
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Just in case you still need a little more direction on the concept or usage of affirmations, here is a list of other great sites that can provide you with just that. Enjoy!
VitalAffirmations.com supplies—in addition to articles, e-cards and other affirmations-centered items—free daily affirmation sentences for you to use as needed. (Today's is "I regularly take time out just for me to do the things I love"—like looking up affirmations!)
This article on "The Power of Affirmations" goes in-depth into positive thinking and also provides some sample sentences that can be easily used affirmatively.
Bill Marshall's PowerAffirmations.com contains a slide show that lists the 488 affirmations he uses regularly to build confidence and success.
YouTube also contains a number of videos on affirmations. (Just type "affirmations" in the search box at the top of the page to see a list of nearly ten thousand videos!)
For some helpful hints about what your own, personally customized affirmation sentence should not contain, check out this blog post by my fellow blogger Barbara J. Henry, titled "Five Words to Delete from Your Vocabulary."
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 19, 2010
WEEKLY UPDATE: My Own Affirmation
Summary: Today's post gives you a peek into my personal inner workings as I share with you the story of how I created my own affirmation sentence, and exactly what that sentence is that helps me through my days. You can do it, too!
Each Friday's blog post is titled "Weekly Update." It's where I lift the curtain to give you a peek behind the scenes at Beyond Talk and KiKi Productions, Inc. Communications. Today, I want to show you a little secret something from inside of me.
Since we've been talking about affirmations (or rather, I've been writing and you've been reading about them), I think it's only fair that I let you in on my own personal affirmation—as well as how I followed the process I've been outlining for you to create my affirmation sentence. It works for me. But only when I choose to use it, of course.
I admitted in Wednesday's post that I have perfectionist tendencies. This can be a blessing. But there are certainly times when it's a curse, too. Mostly, it's a curse when it upsets me, mentally or emotionally.
Some months ago, I was slated to give a speech presentation that I had not rehearsed well. I had certain key points I wanted to share in the speech, and I'd put those on index cards. But I'd decided that the rest of the content (due to time constraints in preparation) was just going to have to be "organic." In other words, I would think it up as I went along! I knew my audience's needs, even if I didn't know my audience members personally. However, as I was driving to the venue, I felt a wave of nausea and panic overtake me. This was greater than the usual "butterflies" I get in my stomach before a big event. I quickly assessed the situation:
(1) I feel nausea, a racing heartbeat, and shortness of breath in my body.
(2) Emotionally, I'm very fearful—to the point of panic.
(3) My thoughts are telling me to turn the car around and run! I think I can't do this, because I'm unprepared and I'm going to fail.
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow!
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, I'd feel insulted and undermined. (I guess that means I'm doubting myself.)
(6) I'd prefer to hear words of support that take into account the possibility of human errors (because how do I know for sure that I won't make one or two mistakes as I wing this event?)
For the rest of the trip, I chanted in my head, "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes." This affirmation gives me permission to "fail" without the belief that any failure on my part is permanent and fatal. The word "competent" reminds me that I really do have strengths, even in times of doubt. Better, it helps me draw upon those strengths when I doubt myself.
For months now, every time I have felt that same bodily sensation of fear and panic in a wave of nausea, I've easily recognized it for what it is: self-doubt. And my affirmation, said as many times as needed, dispels it: "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes."
How about you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Each Friday's blog post is titled "Weekly Update." It's where I lift the curtain to give you a peek behind the scenes at Beyond Talk and KiKi Productions, Inc. Communications. Today, I want to show you a little secret something from inside of me.
Since we've been talking about affirmations (or rather, I've been writing and you've been reading about them), I think it's only fair that I let you in on my own personal affirmation—as well as how I followed the process I've been outlining for you to create my affirmation sentence. It works for me. But only when I choose to use it, of course.
I admitted in Wednesday's post that I have perfectionist tendencies. This can be a blessing. But there are certainly times when it's a curse, too. Mostly, it's a curse when it upsets me, mentally or emotionally.
Some months ago, I was slated to give a speech presentation that I had not rehearsed well. I had certain key points I wanted to share in the speech, and I'd put those on index cards. But I'd decided that the rest of the content (due to time constraints in preparation) was just going to have to be "organic." In other words, I would think it up as I went along! I knew my audience's needs, even if I didn't know my audience members personally. However, as I was driving to the venue, I felt a wave of nausea and panic overtake me. This was greater than the usual "butterflies" I get in my stomach before a big event. I quickly assessed the situation:
(1) I feel nausea, a racing heartbeat, and shortness of breath in my body.
(2) Emotionally, I'm very fearful—to the point of panic.
(3) My thoughts are telling me to turn the car around and run! I think I can't do this, because I'm unprepared and I'm going to fail.
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow!
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, I'd feel insulted and undermined. (I guess that means I'm doubting myself.)
(6) I'd prefer to hear words of support that take into account the possibility of human errors (because how do I know for sure that I won't make one or two mistakes as I wing this event?)
For the rest of the trip, I chanted in my head, "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes." This affirmation gives me permission to "fail" without the belief that any failure on my part is permanent and fatal. The word "competent" reminds me that I really do have strengths, even in times of doubt. Better, it helps me draw upon those strengths when I doubt myself.
For months now, every time I have felt that same bodily sensation of fear and panic in a wave of nausea, I've easily recognized it for what it is: self-doubt. And my affirmation, said as many times as needed, dispels it: "I am a competent human, and I learn from my human mistakes."
How about you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 17, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Tina's Affirmation
Summary: My friend Tina was having a hard time transitioning into health—despite everything she was open to trying. It turns out her thoughts were holding her back more than she realized. An affirmation was just the trick that Tina (not her real name) needed to save the day.
A few months ago, I got a phone call from my friend Tina (not her real name). Like me, she's a perfectionist and, also like me, she struggles with sinus problems. One is a physical problem, while the other is emotional and mental. For these reasons and many others, Tina and I get along great!
Although Tina has also been a client in the past, this phone conversation in particular was a friendly one. Tina called to vent: Her sinus problems were not clearing up, despite a good six months of dedication to prescribed and supplementary over-the-counter medications, as well as changing her diet and enlisting other holistic therapies via visits to her M.D., pharmacist, nutritionist and local bookstore for expert and self-education. Her latest endeavor—one that sounded interesting and worthwhile to me—was causing her especial grief.
"I wake up every night now, unable to breathe," Tina explained to me. "My doctors say this is a good sign, because it means there's drainage happening, but it's seriously disrupting my sleep." Naturally, this lack of sleep was disrupting her daytime productivity, too.
Tina told me that one of her health team members had given her a visualization exercise: Each time she awakened, she was to sit up and meditate, imagining her sinus passages opening up and her ability to breathe becoming easier. But Tina said this was the most disappointing of all techniques.
"Why?" I asked.
"It's just not working!"
"Is it not working at all—or is it just not working perfectly?"
"Oh," Tina said, getting where I was going with this. "I guess I'm being a little perfectionist about this." She laughed, and I laughed with her, because this was a common theme for us.
I led Tina through the list of questions that I spelled out for YOU, reader, last week. Here were her summarized responses:
(1) During this visualization exercise, I felt in my body: congested, sleepy and tense.
(2) Emotionally, I felt frustrated, disappointed, and a combination of angry and sad.
(3) The thoughts I was thinking were: 'I'll never be able to breathe well; I might as well give up trying!'
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow.
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, it would make me want to knock that person's block off! How insulting!
(6) I would prefer that someone speak to me encouragingly, even nurturing.
Eventually, the sentence that Tina and I came up with as her affirmation was, "I am a work in progress. I get healthier every day." As her friend and coach, I gave her the assignment to think this sentence in her head (or whisper it aloud if that helped her most) each time she practiced the visualization exercise.
And what do you think happened? Tina reported that it was much easier to do the exercise with her healthier, more optimistic way of thinking, and that she was beginning to breathe and sleep more easily through the night after only a couple of weeks.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
A few months ago, I got a phone call from my friend Tina (not her real name). Like me, she's a perfectionist and, also like me, she struggles with sinus problems. One is a physical problem, while the other is emotional and mental. For these reasons and many others, Tina and I get along great!
Although Tina has also been a client in the past, this phone conversation in particular was a friendly one. Tina called to vent: Her sinus problems were not clearing up, despite a good six months of dedication to prescribed and supplementary over-the-counter medications, as well as changing her diet and enlisting other holistic therapies via visits to her M.D., pharmacist, nutritionist and local bookstore for expert and self-education. Her latest endeavor—one that sounded interesting and worthwhile to me—was causing her especial grief.
"I wake up every night now, unable to breathe," Tina explained to me. "My doctors say this is a good sign, because it means there's drainage happening, but it's seriously disrupting my sleep." Naturally, this lack of sleep was disrupting her daytime productivity, too.
Tina told me that one of her health team members had given her a visualization exercise: Each time she awakened, she was to sit up and meditate, imagining her sinus passages opening up and her ability to breathe becoming easier. But Tina said this was the most disappointing of all techniques.
"Why?" I asked.
"It's just not working!"
"Is it not working at all—or is it just not working perfectly?"
"Oh," Tina said, getting where I was going with this. "I guess I'm being a little perfectionist about this." She laughed, and I laughed with her, because this was a common theme for us.
I led Tina through the list of questions that I spelled out for YOU, reader, last week. Here were her summarized responses:
(1) During this visualization exercise, I felt in my body: congested, sleepy and tense.
(2) Emotionally, I felt frustrated, disappointed, and a combination of angry and sad.
(3) The thoughts I was thinking were: 'I'll never be able to breathe well; I might as well give up trying!'
(4) These thoughts DO NOT make me want to expand and grow.
(5) If someone else spoke to me this way, it would make me want to knock that person's block off! How insulting!
(6) I would prefer that someone speak to me encouragingly, even nurturing.
Eventually, the sentence that Tina and I came up with as her affirmation was, "I am a work in progress. I get healthier every day." As her friend and coach, I gave her the assignment to think this sentence in her head (or whisper it aloud if that helped her most) each time she practiced the visualization exercise.
And what do you think happened? Tina reported that it was much easier to do the exercise with her healthier, more optimistic way of thinking, and that she was beginning to breathe and sleep more easily through the night after only a couple of weeks.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Feb 10, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Checklist for Customized Affirmations
Summary: If you're self-aware enough to know you need help, you're ready to use the checklist below to create your own, customized affirmation statement to further your personal growth.
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 27, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Create Your Own Affirmation—Step #1
Summary: Affirmations have gotten a bad rap by some people who don't see their value. But don't knock them 'til you've tried them: Affirmations can help you change the way you think to improve the way you live. The first step in creating a customized, personal affirmation statement comes with asking yourself one question.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Aug 26, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Say What You Mean
My website, KiKiProductionsInc.com, will soon be offering a communications e-course titled "Speak Your Truth"—and subtitled "How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean." There are no mind control techniques taught in this course, no tips on influencing others. Instead, the course is about honesty and respect.
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
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