Summary: Fear and other negative emotions can routinely block you from living your most successful life. This post contains a straight-forward, seven-step process for quickly converting fear to confidence. And it all takes place in your own head!
The power of positive thinking can change your life in both big and small ways. You've already seen it in action. But it's often easy to miss. The more attention you give it, however--being consciously mindful of cultivating good thoughts--the dozens more daily moments you begin to witness where feelings like fear are replaced with ones like harmony.
So, how do you cultivate positivity? Emotions are a natural part of the human experience. The last thing I would ever advise you to do is ignore them or try to instantly change them. (More on this later*.) But once you've done the personal work of figuring out which emotions work against you on a regular basis--and in what specific situations you most often find that this happens--you can begin to see the negative patterns that some of your more negative emotions have on your success in life.
Fear is a common emotional roadblock to success. The next time you find yourself in the same old situation that commonly keeps you back--whether it's in asking for help when you need it; being honest about your needs with a romantic partner; speaking up to take credit at work; saying, "No," to extra responsibilities in a professional or volunteer setting--try these helpful tricks for converting fear into calm confidence:
(1) Know that fear is chemically made up of a lot of the same neuro-components as excitement. If you start from this fact, you can readily move from the fear end of the scale to the excited end with just a few additional thoughts.
(2) Remember that all emotionally-based thinking is subjective. More importantly, nothing subjective is ever 100% true.
(3) Be open-minded. It's hard to be open-minded when you're afraid or otherwise negative. But if you can tell yourself that your fear-based thoughts aren't trustworthy right now, you can likely suspend those thoughts and then be open to thinking new ones.
(4) Think of the thoughts that are holding you back (i.e., "I'll look foolish if I ask for help" or "People will think less of me if they learn I don't know the answer") and find ways to poke holes in them. Using your knowledge from points #2 and #3, search out reasons your negative, fearful thoughts are wrong (such as, "Lots of people don't care if I know the answer" or "People who judge me probably have their own fears of looking stupid--my own opinion of myself is the one that counts"). You can even try substituting the opposite statement to see how that makes you feel. Check out Byron Katie's The Work for more on this point, especially noting her "4 questions."
(5) Find the humor in your original thoughts. The more you can laugh at yourself, the more you can turn your fear-based brain chemistry into that of excitement. Do whatever works for you: Perhaps think of humorous situations in movies you've seen or books you've read that can help you to laugh at fear in general (say, Steve Martin in The Jerk, running from the man who "hates cans")--or even your specific circumstance.
(6) Breathe deeply and smile. Both of these will naturally change your brain's chemistry, plus regulate your Central Nervous System to produce that calm and confident feeling. Pairing these actions with the following step's suggestion is best.
(7) Think of a reason to do what you're afraid of doing. Sample ideas may include: "What do I have to lose? If I don't ask for help, I'll never know--and then I'll always be afraid to look stupid on this subject! Sweet, silly little me."
*For some insight into recognizing your emotions, check out some of these past posts:
4 Basic Types of Self-Talk
WORD OF THE WEEK: Integrating Integrity
Checklist for Customized Affirmations
WORD OF THE WEEK: Neuro-Typical
How to Say What You Mean
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-talk. Show all posts
Apr 14, 2010
Feb 10, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Checklist for Customized Affirmations
Summary: If you're self-aware enough to know you need help, you're ready to use the checklist below to create your own, customized affirmation statement to further your personal growth.
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
A couple of weeks ago, I told you an important first-step question for creating your own, personally customized affirmation. (Bonus points to you if you can think of that question before scrolling down to read on!) Today, I'd like to explore with you a little more about the self-awareness you need to even realize that an affirmation may help you.
If you really are interested in creating your own affirmation, you already have a good portion of that self-awareness, or self-honesty. This will take you a long way. Keep using that self-awareness as you answer the questions in the checklist below.
Start by thinking of the situation or problem that causes you to struggle the most. (For example, asking superiors for extra responsibility or recognition might make you so nervous that you avoid such conversations altogether; when approaching someone you're attracted to, you might become so fearful that you overcompensate by bragging—often unwittingly chasing that potential mate away.) Then, as you project yourself as viscerally as possible into the most recent situation that created issues for you, ask yourself the answers to the following questions:
(1) How did I feel in my body at this time?
(2) How did I feel, emotionally? (If you find it difficult to name your emotions, check out my late August '09 post on Emotional Awareness Resources to help you jump-start.)
(3) What thoughts was I thinking at the time?
Separate your thoughts into two categories: Thoughts about yourself and thoughts about everything else (the circumstance, others involved in it, etc.). Then ask:
(4) Do these thoughts about myself make me want to expand and grow?
If the answer is no, you know undoubtedly that an affirmation is just what you need to help you through similar circumstances in the future. Then ask yourself:
(5) How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself in my head via the thoughts I'm having about myself?
(6) What is the opposite emotion from this one (the one I have when I speak to myself/think this way)?
Finally, you're ready to create your affirmation. Look for a sentence that proactively illustrates positive self-talk. ... Look for next week's post with some concrete examples!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 27, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Create Your Own Affirmation—Step #1
Summary: Affirmations have gotten a bad rap by some people who don't see their value. But don't knock them 'til you've tried them: Affirmations can help you change the way you think to improve the way you live. The first step in creating a customized, personal affirmation statement comes with asking yourself one question.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and—doggone it—people like me!"
If you don't remember Stuart Smalley (Al Franken's depressed pseudo-therapist character on Saturday Night Live with the lowest self-esteem ever televised) check out this YouTube video to see what you missed. The clip comes from the SNL spin-off movie, "Stuart Saves His Family."
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley was a major flop (in the realm of fictional cable access)—and not because viewers didn't tune in to the show. It failed because Smalley, himself, was caught up in what he termed "stinkin' thinkin'": the ruminating cycles of self-obsession that told him over and over again how disgusting he was, physically, and how sick he was, emotionally. No matter what Stuart Smalley told himself, he never managed to change his true thoughts about himself, or his belief system.
Affirmations, despite the fun that's poked at them by the likes of SNL's Stuart Smalley franchise, are designed to break the cycles of negative thinking that plague one's brain. Do you ever get caught up in "stinkin' thinkin'"—beating yourself up, mentally, for past actions or oversights? If so, ask yourself this simple question:
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself right now?
Odds are, you wouldn't like it. You'd likely be angry and offended. Perhaps you'd say something hostile to the person or walk away from them to get your space and protect yourself. So, why not protect yourself from being your own victim?
Self-talk is important every step of the way as you walk your path in life to achieve your goals. Asking yourself, "How would I feel if someone else spoke to me the way I'm speaking to myself?" is an important first step in creating your own customized affirmation. When you're feeling negative, emotionally or physically, stop to think about your thinking. Are your thoughts negative? How are you speaking to yourself in your head? Ask yourself this very important first-step question to determine if your thought patterns are urging you to grow or contributing to your decay. You have the power to change your mind.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 20, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: 4 Basic Types of Self-Talk
Summary: What happens in our bodies—and to the world around us—when we ignore or suppress our feelings is often quite unpleasant. When we short-circuit the process of acceptance, we don't do ourselves or anyone around us any favors. You can break down the way you're feeling into 4 basic categories to help yourself gain more self-awareness and eventual acceptance.
So, your co-worker got credit for the job you did again. Big deal. Happens all the time. At least you're still employed. ... Right?
Then why are you sighing and slamming the stapler? Why did you snap at your spouse and yell at your kids to "just shut up already!" yesterday—when you already knew this same old work scenario was about to play out today? Why did you wake up this morning with a tension headache, knowing you'd been grinding your teeth at night? If you've accepted this as "just the way things are," why isn't your life working out the way you want it to, even outside of work?
My suspicion is that you're lying to yourself.
*Gasp!* You, lie?? You're an honest person. In fact, it's your honesty—the fact that you keep giving credit to all your team members, even though you're the one pulling all the weight—that keeps getting you overlooked at the office. You even saw this pattern playing out before it happened again, so lying just can't be the problem.
Here's what I have to say to that: You may see the situation for what it is externally, but you're not facing up to what you feel about it on the inside.
While you say to yourself things like, "That's just the way things go here," and "there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well accept it," another part of you is simmering away with unspoken (or unacknowledged) thoughts like, "I am so mad!"; "this isn't fair"; "that suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do." Do you see the problem here? You're squelching your own voice before you even admit your feelings to yourself!
Coming to terms with any negative life experience is an important means to accepting who you are and where you are. But it's a process—and to skip over any part of that process shuts it down completely. Take a moment RIGHT NOW to write down how you're feeling. Then categorize the thoughts you're having into one of the four categories:
GLAD
MAD
SAD or
SCARED.
(NOTE: If your thoughts fall into multiple categories, this is completely normal.) These are the basic sentiments that house all the other emotions. (Hint: "That suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do" would fall under "MAD.") How are you talking to yourself in your head right now?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
So, your co-worker got credit for the job you did again. Big deal. Happens all the time. At least you're still employed. ... Right?
Then why are you sighing and slamming the stapler? Why did you snap at your spouse and yell at your kids to "just shut up already!" yesterday—when you already knew this same old work scenario was about to play out today? Why did you wake up this morning with a tension headache, knowing you'd been grinding your teeth at night? If you've accepted this as "just the way things are," why isn't your life working out the way you want it to, even outside of work?
My suspicion is that you're lying to yourself.
*Gasp!* You, lie?? You're an honest person. In fact, it's your honesty—the fact that you keep giving credit to all your team members, even though you're the one pulling all the weight—that keeps getting you overlooked at the office. You even saw this pattern playing out before it happened again, so lying just can't be the problem.
Here's what I have to say to that: You may see the situation for what it is externally, but you're not facing up to what you feel about it on the inside.
While you say to yourself things like, "That's just the way things go here," and "there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well accept it," another part of you is simmering away with unspoken (or unacknowledged) thoughts like, "I am so mad!"; "this isn't fair"; "that suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do." Do you see the problem here? You're squelching your own voice before you even admit your feelings to yourself!
Coming to terms with any negative life experience is an important means to accepting who you are and where you are. But it's a process—and to skip over any part of that process shuts it down completely. Take a moment RIGHT NOW to write down how you're feeling. Then categorize the thoughts you're having into one of the four categories:
GLAD
MAD
SAD or
SCARED.
(NOTE: If your thoughts fall into multiple categories, this is completely normal.) These are the basic sentiments that house all the other emotions. (Hint: "That suck-up doesn't deserve any of the credit that I do" would fall under "MAD.") How are you talking to yourself in your head right now?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 13, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Self-Talk
Summary: Self-talk isn't something everyone is familiar with—but it is something everyone does. If you have a tendency to tune out your emotions, you can benefit from becoming more self-aware. You and I will explore ways to do this over the coming weeks.
Do you talk to yourself? I do! And you do, too—whether you realize it or not.
The fact is, everyone 'talks' to himself or herself inside, even if it's not structured in complete sentences. The sentiment, the way we feel about ourselves, is readily apparent to others even more so than it is to you or me: The compassion we have (or don't have) for ourselves is often blatantly obvious in our actions, and especially in the way we treat others.
Take computer hackers, for example. There are all kinds of hackers out there. Some are employed by top computer companies and even the government, specifically to locate holes in security systems. Let's call them "the good guys." But my guess is the hackers who invented the elite (leet) language we learned about on Monday had little respect for themselves or others—hence their idea of being superior to mere mortals (moi) who don't even know the most basic of code language, HTML! Leetspeak has many times been embedded in code as a type of inside joke on the person or system being 'punked.' That's not a form of respect, for sure.
Over the next couple of weeks, you and I will explore some of the ways we treat others, and how this reflects (or deflects) what we're feeling inside, as well as some tools we can employ to become a little more self-aware. Keep reading!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Do you talk to yourself? I do! And you do, too—whether you realize it or not.
The fact is, everyone 'talks' to himself or herself inside, even if it's not structured in complete sentences. The sentiment, the way we feel about ourselves, is readily apparent to others even more so than it is to you or me: The compassion we have (or don't have) for ourselves is often blatantly obvious in our actions, and especially in the way we treat others.
Take computer hackers, for example. There are all kinds of hackers out there. Some are employed by top computer companies and even the government, specifically to locate holes in security systems. Let's call them "the good guys." But my guess is the hackers who invented the elite (leet) language we learned about on Monday had little respect for themselves or others—hence their idea of being superior to mere mortals (moi) who don't even know the most basic of code language, HTML! Leetspeak has many times been embedded in code as a type of inside joke on the person or system being 'punked.' That's not a form of respect, for sure.
Over the next couple of weeks, you and I will explore some of the ways we treat others, and how this reflects (or deflects) what we're feeling inside, as well as some tools we can employ to become a little more self-aware. Keep reading!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Jan 6, 2010
TRULY SPEAKING: Think Before You Speak
Summary: Taking a breath to think about what kind of message you're projecting to the world around you is important every day. This post shares some concrete steps you can take to make sure you're speaking your truth with respect—today.
If you checked out the banned words list I linked you to Monday, you know that many people (not you or me, of course—*ahem*) can go far overboard with the overuse of certain words or phrases. Some have done it in the press to the point that one university, at least, has decided to tell them, "No more! We don't want to hear these words or phrases in 2010."
I get a customized horoscope in my e-mail in-box every morning. And today, I basically got the same admonishment from the universe (if you believe in that sort of thing): Today, I'm a little moody, and the planetary advice I read is to stop and really think before I open my big mouth.
Whether it's relying on the same old sentences or not checking your tone of voice, the way you communicate with others deserves a pause for self-awareness—today and every day of this year and every remaining year of your life. How do you accomplish this? Here are some mental actions you can take:
(1) Pay attention to how you feel physically in your body as you speak. Each emotion is connected to a specific area of the body (anger results in clenched fists and jaws, for example, while anxiety equals stomach complaints).
(2) Try to connect the physical sensation with the emotion you're feeling—and likely displaying. It takes time to become emotionally aware, so don't get too down on yourself if this takes a lot of practice. If you need help distinguishing feelings from thoughts and properly naming them, use this list as a jumping-off point. You can also contact me via my website for a more thorough list that I've created for my clients.
(3) Find a daily practice that helps to spiritually connect you to this consciousness. Whether it's meditation, prayer, affirmations or journaling, you can use any process that helps to take you outside of your usual perspective, so that you can see yourself more objectively and really listen to the way you speak your truth to others.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
If you checked out the banned words list I linked you to Monday, you know that many people (not you or me, of course—*ahem*) can go far overboard with the overuse of certain words or phrases. Some have done it in the press to the point that one university, at least, has decided to tell them, "No more! We don't want to hear these words or phrases in 2010."
I get a customized horoscope in my e-mail in-box every morning. And today, I basically got the same admonishment from the universe (if you believe in that sort of thing): Today, I'm a little moody, and the planetary advice I read is to stop and really think before I open my big mouth.
Whether it's relying on the same old sentences or not checking your tone of voice, the way you communicate with others deserves a pause for self-awareness—today and every day of this year and every remaining year of your life. How do you accomplish this? Here are some mental actions you can take:
(1) Pay attention to how you feel physically in your body as you speak. Each emotion is connected to a specific area of the body (anger results in clenched fists and jaws, for example, while anxiety equals stomach complaints).
(2) Try to connect the physical sensation with the emotion you're feeling—and likely displaying. It takes time to become emotionally aware, so don't get too down on yourself if this takes a lot of practice. If you need help distinguishing feelings from thoughts and properly naming them, use this list as a jumping-off point. You can also contact me via my website for a more thorough list that I've created for my clients.
(3) Find a daily practice that helps to spiritually connect you to this consciousness. Whether it's meditation, prayer, affirmations or journaling, you can use any process that helps to take you outside of your usual perspective, so that you can see yourself more objectively and really listen to the way you speak your truth to others.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2010
Nov 20, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: The Right Frame of Mind (Holiday Grief)
Summary: This is a stressful time of year, especially for me. I use soothing self-talk as one means to help keep myself grounded in and accepting of my present (a la Abraham Low's group Recovery International). Are you grateful for today?
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Aug 26, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Say What You Mean
My website, KiKiProductionsInc.com, will soon be offering a communications e-course titled "Speak Your Truth"—and subtitled "How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean." There are no mind control techniques taught in this course, no tips on influencing others. Instead, the course is about honesty and respect.
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
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