Summary: The ancient Roman holiday Saturnalia honored Saturn, the god of agriculture and harvest. This December festival was raucous and lasted up to a week. Today, English speakers refer to any rowdy party as saturnalian in spirit. Did you celebrate over the weekend with a healthy balance of fun and thanksgiving?
The winter months have long been a season of celebration, particularly in the northern hemisphere where the light recedes and human hibernation periods of sorts require a little more effort to focus on happiness. One such ancient celebration was Saturnalia.
Beginning on December 17, ancient Romans celebrated the god Saturn (who governed agriculture and harvest) by feasting—sometimes for days and eventually for an entire week—on the bounty of that year's harvest. Children were given a holiday from school, and public ceremonies took place, as well as private ones within households. Sound familiar? Saturnalia's final feast day was December 25.
Around 1590, the English language adopted the word saturnalian (SAT - er - NALE - yun) to describe any unrestrained (and often ornery) celebration. Many Americans are likely returning to work today, nursing their figurative wounds after saturnalian revelry in food, drink, and social celebration with family and friends; some likely celebrated, as I did, at more than one place!
This is the other side to the reverential spirit of Thanksgiving that may come with any holiday party. Balancing both sides is important. Are you still thankful today? And, just as importantly, did you have FUN over YOUR break?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 30, 2009
Nov 27, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Happy Thanksgiving!
Many thanksgivings to—and for—you and yours over this holiday weekend. I'd like to share some traditional prayers (which I found very contemporarily online) that reflect my own blended American heritage, and also remind us to give thanks regularly. These messages come from InspirationPeak.com.
But before I do that, I need to correct something from my last post: My great-great grandfather's name was George, not Eddie. (Eddie is a recently discovered long-lost relative whom my grandmother met, and who's name was stuck in my head from her story.)
Irish Fisherman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
Be good to me ...
The sea is so wide
And my boat is so small.
Pueblo Native American Prayer
Hold on to what is good,
Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if I've gone away from you.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
But before I do that, I need to correct something from my last post: My great-great grandfather's name was George, not Eddie. (Eddie is a recently discovered long-lost relative whom my grandmother met, and who's name was stuck in my head from her story.)
Irish Fisherman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
Be good to me ...
The sea is so wide
And my boat is so small.
Pueblo Native American Prayer
Hold on to what is good,
Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if I've gone away from you.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 25, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Genuine Gratitude (& How to Show It)
Summary: Gratitude lists are one way to show thanksgiving any time of year. But there are even more creative ways to be grateful. How do you do it?
Ever heard of a gratitude list? It's as basic as it sounds: Take out a sheet of paper and start writing down everything you can think of that you're thankful to have in your life: dog, car, apartment, life, money, highlights in hair (your list may read). As you do this exercise, notice how your body begins to feel lighter and your mouth just wants to smile!
That's the purpose of a gratitude list: to make you physically and mentally aware that there is joy in being you.
Thanksgiving, as we learned this week, can be practiced at any time—not just the last Thursday in November, and not just in the U.S. Anyone, anywhere, anytime at all can sit down and jot out at least half a dozen items that make him or her smile; things that make life easier. Even YOU can do this!
This week, I challenge you to get creative with your gratitude list, especially if it's something familiar to you. Sometimes, taking a novel approach to being grateful helps you really feel it inside. Here are some ways I've refreshed my own thanksgiving around Thanksgiving time:
- Last year, I made playlist of music for my iPod that I dubbed my "gratitude mix." I included a lot of songs with words like "thanks," "thank you," "gratitude" and "grateful" in the title or the lyrics—everything from "Kind and Generous" by Natalie Merchant to "Praise You" by Fat Boy Slim to several versions of "I Thank You" (ZZ Top, Bonnie Raitt, and the original Sam & Dave). As my mother and I shared the stove on Thanksgiving morning (and Dad minded the oven and the turkey), I shared my music with the family to get us into a grateful mood. It worked! We danced around the kitchen, sampling small bites of everything (to test it, of course) and growing happier and happier.
- Two years before that, I brought a special heart-engraved notebook to the Thanksgiving feast and passed it around to all of my relatives. I'd hand-written a note to each of them, naming at least one thing I was grateful to them for through the years. Then I offered them the opportunity to write down something they were grateful for in life, as well. Some people chose to tell me something they were grateful to me for specifically (a pleasant surprise that really made me feel loved); others wrote down something they were grateful for in general, while still others made out their very own gratitude lists.
- My sister-in-law came up with a wonderful idea that same year: All those who had written out a list should review it the following year to reflect on how bountiful their lives had become with the passage of time. That's what we did then, and it was a joyful experience for me to hear my teenage niece and nephew, particularly, reflect on what they were thankful for and smile in remembrance. We went around the table after that, each naming something aloud for which we gave thanksgiving anew.
How creative can you get (or have you gotten) with your gratitude?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Ever heard of a gratitude list? It's as basic as it sounds: Take out a sheet of paper and start writing down everything you can think of that you're thankful to have in your life: dog, car, apartment, life, money, highlights in hair (your list may read). As you do this exercise, notice how your body begins to feel lighter and your mouth just wants to smile!
That's the purpose of a gratitude list: to make you physically and mentally aware that there is joy in being you.
Thanksgiving, as we learned this week, can be practiced at any time—not just the last Thursday in November, and not just in the U.S. Anyone, anywhere, anytime at all can sit down and jot out at least half a dozen items that make him or her smile; things that make life easier. Even YOU can do this!
This week, I challenge you to get creative with your gratitude list, especially if it's something familiar to you. Sometimes, taking a novel approach to being grateful helps you really feel it inside. Here are some ways I've refreshed my own thanksgiving around Thanksgiving time:
- Last year, I made playlist of music for my iPod that I dubbed my "gratitude mix." I included a lot of songs with words like "thanks," "thank you," "gratitude" and "grateful" in the title or the lyrics—everything from "Kind and Generous" by Natalie Merchant to "Praise You" by Fat Boy Slim to several versions of "I Thank You" (ZZ Top, Bonnie Raitt, and the original Sam & Dave). As my mother and I shared the stove on Thanksgiving morning (and Dad minded the oven and the turkey), I shared my music with the family to get us into a grateful mood. It worked! We danced around the kitchen, sampling small bites of everything (to test it, of course) and growing happier and happier.
- Two years before that, I brought a special heart-engraved notebook to the Thanksgiving feast and passed it around to all of my relatives. I'd hand-written a note to each of them, naming at least one thing I was grateful to them for through the years. Then I offered them the opportunity to write down something they were grateful for in life, as well. Some people chose to tell me something they were grateful to me for specifically (a pleasant surprise that really made me feel loved); others wrote down something they were grateful for in general, while still others made out their very own gratitude lists.
- My sister-in-law came up with a wonderful idea that same year: All those who had written out a list should review it the following year to reflect on how bountiful their lives had become with the passage of time. That's what we did then, and it was a joyful experience for me to hear my teenage niece and nephew, particularly, reflect on what they were thankful for and smile in remembrance. We went around the table after that, each naming something aloud for which we gave thanksgiving anew.
How creative can you get (or have you gotten) with your gratitude?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 23, 2009
WORD OF THE WEEK: Thanksgiving!
Summary: The word thanksgiving isn't reserved only for the holiday. What are you thankful for?
Naturally, this week's word is thanksgiving. Not only is it the name of the holiday we'll be celebrating in the U.S. this Thursday, it's also a word in and of itself.
Entering the English language circa 1533, thanksgiving (commonly pronounced as THANKS - GIV -ing, but also sometimes as THANKS - GIV - ing) is a noun that means simply, the act of giving thanks, or being grateful. It can also be a public acknowledgment of gratitutde, especially in the form of a prayer—or even more so around this time of year, a public celebration.
There's some speculation that our contemporary Thanksgiving Day rituals draw from Native American ceremonies, particularly that of the potlatch (Americanized in the mid-1800s as POT - latch). In a traditional potlatch feast, a host welcomed many visitors to his or her home, plied them with lots of delicious food, and even gave away treasured personal items to show gratitude, generosity and respect. The purposes for such grand gestures were varied (from sharing tremendous wealth and other blessings to warding off potential bad luck), but the spirit of giving was always an integral part of the potlatch.
This time of year is special to me. It reminds me of my great-grandmother, who relished the symbolic meshing of cultures inherent in America's Thanksgiving holiday. She liked to tell this story:
"In the late 1800s, a Pueblo Native American tribe felled a large tree and carved it into a long table, complete with seats, then dressed it for a grand feast where they welcomed some Irish immigrants who were new to the United States. Over the years, a little boy from the tribe and a little girl from the group of immigrants became friends, and eventually, they grew up and fell in love. But this caused a scandal among both of their families, so they fled to the rural Midwest to start a shared life and a family of their own, combining their ways.
"The man was known as Eddie Thompson. But my sisters and I called him Pop. He was your great-great grandfather." Then she would smile, pinch my cheeks and say, "So, that's why you get so beautifully brown in the summers and have those lovely, high cheekbones!"
Regardless of what I may feel politically about American history, one way or another, this week I can say for certain that I'll recall with fond thanksgiving the jovial and generous spirit of my amazing great-grandmother and her wonderful way with words. And I'm further grateful for her teaching me my own personal history the best way that she could: through story.
Do you have thanksgiving this week in your heart? And if so, why?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Naturally, this week's word is thanksgiving. Not only is it the name of the holiday we'll be celebrating in the U.S. this Thursday, it's also a word in and of itself.
Entering the English language circa 1533, thanksgiving (commonly pronounced as THANKS - GIV -ing, but also sometimes as THANKS - GIV - ing) is a noun that means simply, the act of giving thanks, or being grateful. It can also be a public acknowledgment of gratitutde, especially in the form of a prayer—or even more so around this time of year, a public celebration.
There's some speculation that our contemporary Thanksgiving Day rituals draw from Native American ceremonies, particularly that of the potlatch (Americanized in the mid-1800s as POT - latch). In a traditional potlatch feast, a host welcomed many visitors to his or her home, plied them with lots of delicious food, and even gave away treasured personal items to show gratitude, generosity and respect. The purposes for such grand gestures were varied (from sharing tremendous wealth and other blessings to warding off potential bad luck), but the spirit of giving was always an integral part of the potlatch.
This time of year is special to me. It reminds me of my great-grandmother, who relished the symbolic meshing of cultures inherent in America's Thanksgiving holiday. She liked to tell this story:
"In the late 1800s, a Pueblo Native American tribe felled a large tree and carved it into a long table, complete with seats, then dressed it for a grand feast where they welcomed some Irish immigrants who were new to the United States. Over the years, a little boy from the tribe and a little girl from the group of immigrants became friends, and eventually, they grew up and fell in love. But this caused a scandal among both of their families, so they fled to the rural Midwest to start a shared life and a family of their own, combining their ways.
"The man was known as Eddie Thompson. But my sisters and I called him Pop. He was your great-great grandfather." Then she would smile, pinch my cheeks and say, "So, that's why you get so beautifully brown in the summers and have those lovely, high cheekbones!"
Regardless of what I may feel politically about American history, one way or another, this week I can say for certain that I'll recall with fond thanksgiving the jovial and generous spirit of my amazing great-grandmother and her wonderful way with words. And I'm further grateful for her teaching me my own personal history the best way that she could: through story.
Do you have thanksgiving this week in your heart? And if so, why?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 20, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: The Right Frame of Mind (Holiday Grief)
Summary: This is a stressful time of year, especially for me. I use soothing self-talk as one means to help keep myself grounded in and accepting of my present (a la Abraham Low's group Recovery International). Are you grateful for today?
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
This time of year really stresses me out. I cope, but it takes a lot of effort. If I'm coping well enough, the best I can hope for is that very few people really get how stressed out and over-taxed I am—because they aren't mind-readers, and I'm not wearing my inner thoughts on my sleeve (or on my face or in my voice or my actions). In other words, I'm not transparent, because I'm continuously keeping myself as grounded as I can.
Sometimes I manage to achieve this through self-talk. Some years ago, I studied Dr. Abraham Low's Recovery, Inc. technique in Chicago (now called Recovery International). I still remind myself that the "symptoms" I'm feeling (physical ones like a racing heart beat and shallow breathing or emotional ones like anxiety, fear, impatience, etc.) are "distressing, but not dangerous."
Low coined the phrase, "Symptoms are distressing, but not dangerous," to help "nervous persons," as he termed it, to be able to self-soothe. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts that might go something like, "I'll never get all this holiday shopping done; I'm such a procrastinator; all the smart people were finished shopping by Halloween!" Low's idea is that we can all alert ourselves to the fact that we're getting "worked up" and change our thinking, which can then change our brain chemistry and our body's responses. We can efficiently—and regularly, when practiced regularly—calm ourselves down anywhere at any time, based on the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.
Hyper-focusing on the future or on the past are common ways to distort your thinking. What do you obsess over around this time of year? Is it future-oriented or something from your past?
Grief can be a major emotional complication around the holidays, especially as families gather from near and far to emphasize the gaps and holes we see around the table. While grief is highly individual in a lot of ways, it is also universal. A major key to staying present and grounded is the emotion of acceptance.
Soothing self-talk can be one way to practice acceptance little by little. This week, I'm starting my gratitude list and sharing part of it publicly in an effort to speak my personal truth—hopefully, with humility. Today, I'm grateful for today. What about you ...?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 18, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Avoiding the Unavoidable, Holiday Stress
Summary: The "good stress" of the holidays may seem ineluctable, but it doesn't have to overtake your life. Follow these suggestions, courtesy of communications coach Cathy Emma, to stay sane as you accomplish your winter goals.
It's that time of year again: Time for the joy of giving and receiving, the celebration of family, ... the stress of planning and shopping and cooking and hosting and visiting and of generally taking on so much extra responsibility!
How do you stay sane? Frankly, some of us don't. But there are measures any of us can take to give it our best shot.
If you (or those you love) suffer from disease—be it a mental illness or a physical illness—the additional stress of the holidays can push you over the edge. The way we communicate when we're feeling internal pressure generally looks like the following in one or more ways: absent-minded, terse, angry, hostile, loud, tearful, apologetic, brusque. Depending on our personalities and the ways we've been taught to cope with stress throughout our lives, we can exhibit any combination of these traits in response to even the simplest of questions asked by friends and family and even co-workers. We can also go to the opposite extreme and become completely silent.
None of these responses helps us solve the problem of our stress. In fact, just the opposite: It compounds it for us and for those around us.
This week, I received an e-newsletter from communications specialist Cathy Emma, who provided some excellent techniques for heading off holiday stress at the pass. Among her suggestions were these:
- Keep your fitness track on plan. "Healthy living relieves stress," Cathy reminds. And putting yourself first means that there will be more of you to go around when the time comes.
- Appreciate the positive aspects of the holiday. When you expect to be stressed out, you usually are. But when you're able to remind yourself exactly why it is that you're taking on the extra load right now, it helps you feel like you have a voice in your own life and your plans, rather than resentful obligations. It may help to mentally note one reason why you choose to go through with your plans each time you feel any stressed-out resentment creeping in—such as, "I'm making these special pies, so that Grandpa has something sugar-free to eat this year."
- Keep the stress out of your voice and speech. The fact is, we all take on an extra load to our personal calendars at this time of year, no matter how we celebrate. Even if we choose not to celebrate, we're likely to pick up on the frenetic energy around us at the office, at our friends' homes, and in the streets, sidewalks, and stores. But coming from a place of stress is not only unprofessional, it's selfish. Cathy encourages us to use a tone of voice that's "bright and enthusiastic." Practice speaking like this regularly, and you will begin to feel it sincerely.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
It's that time of year again: Time for the joy of giving and receiving, the celebration of family, ... the stress of planning and shopping and cooking and hosting and visiting and of generally taking on so much extra responsibility!
How do you stay sane? Frankly, some of us don't. But there are measures any of us can take to give it our best shot.
If you (or those you love) suffer from disease—be it a mental illness or a physical illness—the additional stress of the holidays can push you over the edge. The way we communicate when we're feeling internal pressure generally looks like the following in one or more ways: absent-minded, terse, angry, hostile, loud, tearful, apologetic, brusque. Depending on our personalities and the ways we've been taught to cope with stress throughout our lives, we can exhibit any combination of these traits in response to even the simplest of questions asked by friends and family and even co-workers. We can also go to the opposite extreme and become completely silent.
None of these responses helps us solve the problem of our stress. In fact, just the opposite: It compounds it for us and for those around us.
This week, I received an e-newsletter from communications specialist Cathy Emma, who provided some excellent techniques for heading off holiday stress at the pass. Among her suggestions were these:
- Keep your fitness track on plan. "Healthy living relieves stress," Cathy reminds. And putting yourself first means that there will be more of you to go around when the time comes.
- Appreciate the positive aspects of the holiday. When you expect to be stressed out, you usually are. But when you're able to remind yourself exactly why it is that you're taking on the extra load right now, it helps you feel like you have a voice in your own life and your plans, rather than resentful obligations. It may help to mentally note one reason why you choose to go through with your plans each time you feel any stressed-out resentment creeping in—such as, "I'm making these special pies, so that Grandpa has something sugar-free to eat this year."
- Keep the stress out of your voice and speech. The fact is, we all take on an extra load to our personal calendars at this time of year, no matter how we celebrate. Even if we choose not to celebrate, we're likely to pick up on the frenetic energy around us at the office, at our friends' homes, and in the streets, sidewalks, and stores. But coming from a place of stress is not only unprofessional, it's selfish. Cathy encourages us to use a tone of voice that's "bright and enthusiastic." Practice speaking like this regularly, and you will begin to feel it sincerely.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 16, 2009
WORD OF THE WEEK: Ineluctable Vocabulary Aid
Summary: You can count on Beyond Talk to introduce a new word to build your vocabulary every Monday. But what else is ineluctable in your life?
One of the benefits of regularly reading this blog is the boost it gives your vocabulary. Each week, I feature a new word—complete with pronunciation help—that you may or may not know. The fact is, even if the weekly word isn't new to you, it's always a boon to have a little reinforcement to what you do know.
You might say it's ineluctably helpful.
But perhaps you might not. After all, you don't have to read this blog! But if you subscribe to it, follow it, are a fan of my Facebook page (see the new link box below), tweet me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn or regularly check out my website, you haven't got much escape from the weekly vocab words. ... And maybe you're stalking me? Or likely you're really interested in and dedicated to improving your communication skills. (My lawyer and I sure hope so.)
What's most ineluctable in today's society, it seems, is social networking. In case you haven't already gleaned it from the word's usage, here is the definition of today's featured word:
Ineluctable (IN - ee - LUCK - ta - bil) - (adj.) unavoidable; not to be resisted or changed; inevitable. From the Latin ineluctabilis, meaning a combination of "to struggle clear of" and "to wrestle from" and "to dislocate," it entered the English language around 1623.
Some say that in American society, the only ineluctabilities are death and taxes. But many of us find so many other ineluctable instances in our lives. I know that blogging three times a week is pretty much a given for me. So, what's ineluctable about your day-to-day life? ... And if you could change it, would you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
One of the benefits of regularly reading this blog is the boost it gives your vocabulary. Each week, I feature a new word—complete with pronunciation help—that you may or may not know. The fact is, even if the weekly word isn't new to you, it's always a boon to have a little reinforcement to what you do know.
You might say it's ineluctably helpful.
But perhaps you might not. After all, you don't have to read this blog! But if you subscribe to it, follow it, are a fan of my Facebook page (see the new link box below), tweet me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn or regularly check out my website, you haven't got much escape from the weekly vocab words. ... And maybe you're stalking me? Or likely you're really interested in and dedicated to improving your communication skills. (My lawyer and I sure hope so.)
What's most ineluctable in today's society, it seems, is social networking. In case you haven't already gleaned it from the word's usage, here is the definition of today's featured word:
Ineluctable (IN - ee - LUCK - ta - bil) - (adj.) unavoidable; not to be resisted or changed; inevitable. From the Latin ineluctabilis, meaning a combination of "to struggle clear of" and "to wrestle from" and "to dislocate," it entered the English language around 1623.
Some say that in American society, the only ineluctabilities are death and taxes. But many of us find so many other ineluctable instances in our lives. I know that blogging three times a week is pretty much a given for me. So, what's ineluctable about your day-to-day life? ... And if you could change it, would you?
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 13, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Friendly Feedback
Summary: Honest feedback is essential to the quality of any product or service. This post provides a few helpful parameters to get you started on the road to constructive criticism, whether it be in the workplace, school, or arts world.
Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a showing of an independent filmmaker friend's short Non-Love-Song at the Chicago Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. What a treat! The film was packaged with a number of other shorts, each exploring the themes of love and friendship, especially from a queer perspective. After the films were shown, there was a brief Q & A session with my friend Erik Gernand and the other cast members and directors. Then we audience members were asked to rate the films to our liking, to help provide some feedback to the filmmakers (and potential awards).
Tomorrow, I'll be treated to my own feedback when I hand in some of my written work to my fellow creative writing classmates. Today, I have feedback on the brain!
Honest feedback is essential to the quality of any product or service. Constructive criticism can be difficult to attain, however, particularly for the first-timer. If you struggle with this, here are some helpful parameters:
(1) Focus on the positive first. When you make someone feel good about his or her performance—whether that be work performance, academic or artistic achievement, or something else altogether—you alleviate their initial anxiety and make it easier for them to receive information clearly. (See my old post on cognitive functioning to understand this more.)
(2) Be specific. General information is okay to start with (such as, "Overall, this piece made me feel good"), but it isn't all that helpful in the long run. Clarify any vague statements by citing examples using the Who-What-When-Why-Where-How Rule: "Overall, this piece made me feel good, because it used upbeat music (what) and had fast-paced, comedic dialogue (what); I found myself tapping my toes and smiling (where or how it affected you)."
(3) Word negative feedback proactively. It's unhelpful to simply state, "I didn't like the storyline." This can easily be dismissed as a subjective difference of opinion. What is helpful is to issue a challenge to the person you're critiquing or to share one specific way a portion of their work could be improved. In example, "The storyline was very negative, and as a reader, I was turned off by this. Perhaps if you peppered it with at least some optimism here and there—maybe by introducing a happier character who can reinforce your hero's angst—this would be more digestible to a broader audience."
Constructive criticism in the workplace is imperative. As co-workers, we rely on each other's honesty to ensure that we're doing the best job possible. This is even more important in teamwork situations. Practice giving honest, helpful feedback to those around you. The more you can do this, the more you improve your world.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a showing of an independent filmmaker friend's short Non-Love-Song at the Chicago Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. What a treat! The film was packaged with a number of other shorts, each exploring the themes of love and friendship, especially from a queer perspective. After the films were shown, there was a brief Q & A session with my friend Erik Gernand and the other cast members and directors. Then we audience members were asked to rate the films to our liking, to help provide some feedback to the filmmakers (and potential awards).
Tomorrow, I'll be treated to my own feedback when I hand in some of my written work to my fellow creative writing classmates. Today, I have feedback on the brain!
Honest feedback is essential to the quality of any product or service. Constructive criticism can be difficult to attain, however, particularly for the first-timer. If you struggle with this, here are some helpful parameters:
(1) Focus on the positive first. When you make someone feel good about his or her performance—whether that be work performance, academic or artistic achievement, or something else altogether—you alleviate their initial anxiety and make it easier for them to receive information clearly. (See my old post on cognitive functioning to understand this more.)
(2) Be specific. General information is okay to start with (such as, "Overall, this piece made me feel good"), but it isn't all that helpful in the long run. Clarify any vague statements by citing examples using the Who-What-When-Why-Where-How Rule: "Overall, this piece made me feel good, because it used upbeat music (what) and had fast-paced, comedic dialogue (what); I found myself tapping my toes and smiling (where or how it affected you)."
(3) Word negative feedback proactively. It's unhelpful to simply state, "I didn't like the storyline." This can easily be dismissed as a subjective difference of opinion. What is helpful is to issue a challenge to the person you're critiquing or to share one specific way a portion of their work could be improved. In example, "The storyline was very negative, and as a reader, I was turned off by this. Perhaps if you peppered it with at least some optimism here and there—maybe by introducing a happier character who can reinforce your hero's angst—this would be more digestible to a broader audience."
Constructive criticism in the workplace is imperative. As co-workers, we rely on each other's honesty to ensure that we're doing the best job possible. This is even more important in teamwork situations. Practice giving honest, helpful feedback to those around you. The more you can do this, the more you improve your world.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 11, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: And Now for Something Completely Different (the Art of the Segue)
Summary: My colleague Tim Wilson has a great recent post to his Public Speaking Library blog about handling the unexpected with a smooth segue into your intended idea. This works not just at public presentations, but also in private conversations.
My colleague Tim Wilson writes a blog (The Public Speaking Library) for—who else?—public speakers. Whether you're a professional presenter by trade, a teacher with class or simply someone who delivers the occasional industry workshop, office pitch or random wedding toast, Tim has tips that can help YOU.
Written in bite-sized nuggets for easy digestion, his blog posts offer all sorts of advice that refreshes almost daily. You can search the blog for info. that's relevant to what you're facing.
One recent post is titled, "Handling the Unexpected." While it's geared toward those addressing a crowd, the fact is that Tim's suggestion are pertinent to people in a variety of situations, from one-on-one conversations (especially with a staff member or trainee) to difficult settings of mediation. In each of these times, a remarkable way to make a point is to put it in the form of a question—for example, "How do YOU think we should resolve the problem?"
Here's what Tim says about the subject:
"When you're asking ... a question in order to find a certain answer, sometimes someone says something that doesn't fit into your presentation. When this happens, the first thing you need to do is give the person credit for saying something. The next thing is to work on moving from their point to the point that you are looking for. One way to do this is to use the 'yes and' method. Once someone says something off of your topic, say something like, 'Yes, that is definitely one answer to the problem. And another thing to think about is ...,' then mention the point you wanted the person to bring up."
For more intimate circumstances—especially those where you're looking to teach another person (or a group of people), but want them to reach the same conclusions that you have on their own—it's vital to truly listen to the other's (or others') responses. Pay attention to their input, and see if you can weave it into the output that you're seeking (i.e., "I hear what you're saying about teamwork; I wonder if we could work as a team in this way ...").
Coming to a group consensus is important in conflict resolution, as well as audience participation. Using a well-crafted segue (see the definition below) can take you there—together.
Segue (SEG - way) - (v.) to proceed to what follows without a pause; to make a transition without interruption from one activity, topic, scene or part to another (as in, "She segued smoothly into the next story"); (n.) the act or instance of segueing; a transition to the next idea, etc.
And speaking of segues (how's that for a clumsy one?!), I've only gotten one response to the potential connection between the words conjugation and conjugal. So, keep looking for their correlation, friends!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
My colleague Tim Wilson writes a blog (The Public Speaking Library) for—who else?—public speakers. Whether you're a professional presenter by trade, a teacher with class or simply someone who delivers the occasional industry workshop, office pitch or random wedding toast, Tim has tips that can help YOU.
Written in bite-sized nuggets for easy digestion, his blog posts offer all sorts of advice that refreshes almost daily. You can search the blog for info. that's relevant to what you're facing.
One recent post is titled, "Handling the Unexpected." While it's geared toward those addressing a crowd, the fact is that Tim's suggestion are pertinent to people in a variety of situations, from one-on-one conversations (especially with a staff member or trainee) to difficult settings of mediation. In each of these times, a remarkable way to make a point is to put it in the form of a question—for example, "How do YOU think we should resolve the problem?"
Here's what Tim says about the subject:
"When you're asking ... a question in order to find a certain answer, sometimes someone says something that doesn't fit into your presentation. When this happens, the first thing you need to do is give the person credit for saying something. The next thing is to work on moving from their point to the point that you are looking for. One way to do this is to use the 'yes and' method. Once someone says something off of your topic, say something like, 'Yes, that is definitely one answer to the problem. And another thing to think about is ...,' then mention the point you wanted the person to bring up."
For more intimate circumstances—especially those where you're looking to teach another person (or a group of people), but want them to reach the same conclusions that you have on their own—it's vital to truly listen to the other's (or others') responses. Pay attention to their input, and see if you can weave it into the output that you're seeking (i.e., "I hear what you're saying about teamwork; I wonder if we could work as a team in this way ...").
Coming to a group consensus is important in conflict resolution, as well as audience participation. Using a well-crafted segue (see the definition below) can take you there—together.
Segue (SEG - way) - (v.) to proceed to what follows without a pause; to make a transition without interruption from one activity, topic, scene or part to another (as in, "She segued smoothly into the next story"); (n.) the act or instance of segueing; a transition to the next idea, etc.
And speaking of segues (how's that for a clumsy one?!), I've only gotten one response to the potential connection between the words conjugation and conjugal. So, keep looking for their correlation, friends!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 9, 2009
WORD OF THE WEEK: Can You Conjugate?
Summary: How do you conjugate words? What does the word conjugation even mean? Read on to learn these answers and more ...
Conjugation (CON - joo - GAY - shun) - (n.) verb inflection; the schematic arrangement of the inflectional forms of a verb; a set or class of verbs that have the same inflectional form.
Got it? No?? Well, allow me to explain:
Each verb (for instance, the word go) can be conjugated, or changed in form, to fit a special set of criteria that matches the sentence in which the word is being used. "I go to the store on Tuesdays." That criteria pertains not just to the sentence's tense—or when the verb's action took place (in the present equals "present tense," while in the past means the "past tense")—but also who or what is taking the action. A simple, 2-letter word like go is actually pretty complex for someone who's just learning the rules of English. There's: "I go," "you go," "we go," "they go," plus "I went yesterday" (and so forth)—however, "he goes" and "she goes" and even "I am going tomorrow" or "I have gone many times." And if you think this is confusing, try it in Latin!
This entire set of rules, complicated as they may be, are the rules of conjugation. (You may have noticed last week that I conjugated our Word of the Week, antithesis, into antithetical in Friday's post. If you did, you get a gold star for paying attention!)
By the way, there's a secondary definition of the word conjugation that is related to the word conjugal. If you can figure out the connection, you get a bonus star. (No dirty talk, please.)
Today's miniature English lesson was brought to you by the letter C and the number 4. Happy 40th birthday, Sesame Street! Thanks for helping to encourage my love of language and learning at such an early age—and for continuing to teach the kids we all know and love today.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Conjugation (CON - joo - GAY - shun) - (n.) verb inflection; the schematic arrangement of the inflectional forms of a verb; a set or class of verbs that have the same inflectional form.
Got it? No?? Well, allow me to explain:
Each verb (for instance, the word go) can be conjugated, or changed in form, to fit a special set of criteria that matches the sentence in which the word is being used. "I go to the store on Tuesdays." That criteria pertains not just to the sentence's tense—or when the verb's action took place (in the present equals "present tense," while in the past means the "past tense")—but also who or what is taking the action. A simple, 2-letter word like go is actually pretty complex for someone who's just learning the rules of English. There's: "I go," "you go," "we go," "they go," plus "I went yesterday" (and so forth)—however, "he goes" and "she goes" and even "I am going tomorrow" or "I have gone many times." And if you think this is confusing, try it in Latin!
This entire set of rules, complicated as they may be, are the rules of conjugation. (You may have noticed last week that I conjugated our Word of the Week, antithesis, into antithetical in Friday's post. If you did, you get a gold star for paying attention!)
By the way, there's a secondary definition of the word conjugation that is related to the word conjugal. If you can figure out the connection, you get a bonus star. (No dirty talk, please.)
Today's miniature English lesson was brought to you by the letter C and the number 4. Happy 40th birthday, Sesame Street! Thanks for helping to encourage my love of language and learning at such an early age—and for continuing to teach the kids we all know and love today.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 6, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Taking the First Step
Summary: A year ago, I started a 12-step journey, based on the original 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. So many 12-step groups exist today; their premise is always the same: inner growth through intense self-honesty. Taking the first step is the most important part of this and any personal journey.
This week, I dusted off some old journals and workbooks and re-read them to get some perspective on my life. What a difference a year makes! One year ago this month, I started working with a 12-step program—based on the original 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous—in order to gain a deeper sense of personal responsibility and inner peace. (These two ideas may seem antithetical, but they can coexist!)
A number of different groups have co-opted the 12 steps for a variety of different reasons—from staying sober to breaking abusive cycles in any number of areas. (See Wikipedia's list of just some of the growing number of programs available today.) My own first introduction to working the 12-step concept was through a prosperity consciousness class.
Gaining intense personal insight is the ultimate goal of any 12-step-based course or program. And the first step—with any personal journey—is always the most important, for it's with that first footfall that you make your commitment to your course. And none of us can move forward without serious honesty, both with ourselves and others.
Here is a generic version of the 12 steps:
(1) Admit I am powerless over (my problem); that my life has become unmanageable (because of my futile efforts to control the problem)
(2) Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (this often varies based on religious/spiritual beliefs)
(3) Make a decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of this power as I understand it
(4) Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself
(5) Admit to this power, myself, & another human being the exact nature of my wrongs
(6) Am entirely ready to have this higher power remove all these defects of my character
(7) Humbly ask this higher power to remove my shortcomings
(8) Make a list of all the people I've harmed, & become willing to make amends to them all
(9) Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so injures them or others
(10) Continue to take personal inventory, & when I am wrong, promptly admit it
(11) Seek through prayer & meditation to improve my conscious contact with the power greater than myself as I understand this power, praying only for knowledge of (my power's) will for me and the ability to carry that out
(12) Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, try to carry this message to others (who face my problem), & to practice these principles in all my affairs
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 4, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Working Through Anxiety
Summary: We can be very unaware of the real level of our anxiety as it appears to others. Knowing the continuum of this energy force, what it does to the brain and body, and tricks for coping with it, quelling it or even converting it, can turn our nervous speaking experiences into exciting success stories. Read on for more!
Anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways, from blushing to nervous tics to full-blown panic attacks. What these look like on the outside is often vastly different from how they feel to the person who's in their throes.
Coincidentally, what seems the most heightened to us can be completely invisible to someone we're addressing; and that which we're unaware of, ourselves, is often the most distracting to our audience. To the outsider (or to the audience), blushing may be barely noticeable, especially on a darker complected speaker. But if you've ever blushed in your life, you know it can feel like your face is on fire! Nervous tics, on the other hand, may be distracting from the speaker's message: I recently heard a speaker who unconsciously clears his throat several times per sentence, but is hardly aware that he's doing so. Meanwhile, panic attacks can go totally unnoticed by others. But panic attacks can be so severe to the person who's having one that he or she may actually visit the emergency room with the honest belief, "I'm dying!"
When anxiety occurs, our brain's cognitive functioning is severely impacted, and negatively so. The body creates a "fight-or-flight" mentality, literally wanting to run away or engage in combat. Simply standing still and pretending to be 'fine' does nothing to quench the internal need to engage or flee the conflict at hand—even if the conflict is only imaginary.
Many statistics on public speaking show that the majority of people—in cultures all over the world—are more afraid of addressing an audience than they are of water, heights, flying, spiders, snakes or even death! Speaking in public makes us quite vulnerable, not just to the judgment of others, but to our own perceptions of their criticisms and to our judgments of ourselves.
Here are some quick tips to making anxiety actually work for you when you speak:
(1) Notice your pulse and your breath. If your heart is fluttering in your chest, you're nervous. Long, slow, deep breaths (taken from both the diaphragm and the lungs to expand the belly and chest) can lower pulse and slow the heart rate. Oxygen circulates through the body and helps to automatically calm your entire system, improving cognitive function and focus. Take at least two deep breaths in a row before you return to your normal breathing, then notice your heart rate again. Repeat this technique as necessary.
(2) Pay attention to your self-talk. When we're extremely keyed up about something, we often vituperate ourselves mentally. This can create a vicious cycle of anxiety. Say something to yourself now (in your head) about public speaking. Where in your head does your inner voice resonate? What kind of tone does it have? You can modify this inherent voice by slowing it down, and/or mimicking a mother cooing to a child. Speaking to yourself in a nurturing tone makes you calmer almost immediately.
(3) Make anxiety into excitement. In situations that call for high-energy responses, such as addressing a large group, calming yourself too much can work against you. In times like these, it's important to remember that nervousness and excitement are simply different levels of the same emotion: On one end of the scale—the high end—comes excitement, even elation; on the lower, more negative end comes nervousness, followed by anxiety, panic, and paranoia. Actors use a number of voice and body exercises to stretch and warm up that are geared toward converting anxiety and negativity into the more positive energy of excitement. See this list of books and audio resources on the subject compiled by The Association of Theatre Movement Educators.
While the practice of any one of the above techniques can help eradicate anxiety, they can work even better in combination.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways, from blushing to nervous tics to full-blown panic attacks. What these look like on the outside is often vastly different from how they feel to the person who's in their throes.
Coincidentally, what seems the most heightened to us can be completely invisible to someone we're addressing; and that which we're unaware of, ourselves, is often the most distracting to our audience. To the outsider (or to the audience), blushing may be barely noticeable, especially on a darker complected speaker. But if you've ever blushed in your life, you know it can feel like your face is on fire! Nervous tics, on the other hand, may be distracting from the speaker's message: I recently heard a speaker who unconsciously clears his throat several times per sentence, but is hardly aware that he's doing so. Meanwhile, panic attacks can go totally unnoticed by others. But panic attacks can be so severe to the person who's having one that he or she may actually visit the emergency room with the honest belief, "I'm dying!"
When anxiety occurs, our brain's cognitive functioning is severely impacted, and negatively so. The body creates a "fight-or-flight" mentality, literally wanting to run away or engage in combat. Simply standing still and pretending to be 'fine' does nothing to quench the internal need to engage or flee the conflict at hand—even if the conflict is only imaginary.
Many statistics on public speaking show that the majority of people—in cultures all over the world—are more afraid of addressing an audience than they are of water, heights, flying, spiders, snakes or even death! Speaking in public makes us quite vulnerable, not just to the judgment of others, but to our own perceptions of their criticisms and to our judgments of ourselves.
Here are some quick tips to making anxiety actually work for you when you speak:
(1) Notice your pulse and your breath. If your heart is fluttering in your chest, you're nervous. Long, slow, deep breaths (taken from both the diaphragm and the lungs to expand the belly and chest) can lower pulse and slow the heart rate. Oxygen circulates through the body and helps to automatically calm your entire system, improving cognitive function and focus. Take at least two deep breaths in a row before you return to your normal breathing, then notice your heart rate again. Repeat this technique as necessary.
(2) Pay attention to your self-talk. When we're extremely keyed up about something, we often vituperate ourselves mentally. This can create a vicious cycle of anxiety. Say something to yourself now (in your head) about public speaking. Where in your head does your inner voice resonate? What kind of tone does it have? You can modify this inherent voice by slowing it down, and/or mimicking a mother cooing to a child. Speaking to yourself in a nurturing tone makes you calmer almost immediately.
(3) Make anxiety into excitement. In situations that call for high-energy responses, such as addressing a large group, calming yourself too much can work against you. In times like these, it's important to remember that nervousness and excitement are simply different levels of the same emotion: On one end of the scale—the high end—comes excitement, even elation; on the lower, more negative end comes nervousness, followed by anxiety, panic, and paranoia. Actors use a number of voice and body exercises to stretch and warm up that are geared toward converting anxiety and negativity into the more positive energy of excitement. See this list of books and audio resources on the subject compiled by The Association of Theatre Movement Educators.
While the practice of any one of the above techniques can help eradicate anxiety, they can work even better in combination.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Nov 2, 2009
WORD OF THE WEEK: Antithesis
Summary: Today's word is antithesis, which comes from the Greek language and means "opposite." Keep following Beyond Talk to learn more antitheses to poor communication! E-mail me at Kealah@KiKiProductionsInc.com with your personal communications coaching requests (subject: Beyond Talk).
If someone vituperates you, your brain can choose between two basic goals: Fight or flight. If you choose "flight," you want to escape. However, if you pick "fight," your new goal (if you follow the advice in last week's posts) becomes turning the verbal attacker on his or her tail, making an ally out of an enemy.
An ally is the antithesis of an enemy. And vice versa.
More specifically, an antithesis (an - TI - tha - SIS) is an opposite, a contrast or a parallel. The word comes from the Greek antitithenai, "to set before," or oppose. It entered the English language in the early 1500s.
In this week's forthcoming posts, we'll continue to look at the antitheses (notice the plural) of verbal abuse, emotional imbalance, and inner turmoil; in other words, the antithesis of poor communication.
Are you learning what you want to learn at Beyond Talk? Share questions you may have about communication by commenting here or e-mailing me at Kealah@KiKiProductionsInc.com and placing "Beyond Talk" in the subject line.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
If someone vituperates you, your brain can choose between two basic goals: Fight or flight. If you choose "flight," you want to escape. However, if you pick "fight," your new goal (if you follow the advice in last week's posts) becomes turning the verbal attacker on his or her tail, making an ally out of an enemy.
An ally is the antithesis of an enemy. And vice versa.
More specifically, an antithesis (an - TI - tha - SIS) is an opposite, a contrast or a parallel. The word comes from the Greek antitithenai, "to set before," or oppose. It entered the English language in the early 1500s.
In this week's forthcoming posts, we'll continue to look at the antitheses (notice the plural) of verbal abuse, emotional imbalance, and inner turmoil; in other words, the antithesis of poor communication.
Are you learning what you want to learn at Beyond Talk? Share questions you may have about communication by commenting here or e-mailing me at Kealah@KiKiProductionsInc.com and placing "Beyond Talk" in the subject line.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
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