WEEKLY UPDATE: To Journal or Not to Journal

Summary: There are lots of reasons to keep a journal, but the process can be a lot simpler than you may think. Four basics for journaling through feelings are outlined in today's post. For further info., check out old, new, and forthcoming posts by "The Journal Lady" Barbara J. Henry, my fellow blogger.

In my last post, I mentioned that journaling can be very helpful for sorting out your feelings. A lot of people are overwhelmed by the idea of starting or keeping a journal. But the fact is, to be its most helpful, journaling is used in its simplest form.

Here are the basics of journaling:

(1) Define the reason you want to keep a journal. Maybe you don’t want to actually “keep” a journal at all. Rather, you may likely want to simply get the thoughts that are bothering you out of your head. And putting them on paper is an excellent way to get them outside of yourself. In a case such as this, it’s not necessary to buy a special notebook or keep it in a sacred spot. You can grab any scratch pad that’s handy and use any writing utensil to record your thoughts at any time. And you can even throw those thoughts away once you’ve gotten them out of your system. (You may use a recording device to achieve the same results.)

(2) Use the journal as consistently as is comfortable for you and your needs. For some purposes, such as enhancing creativity, daily journaling is important. But when it comes to maintenance of feelings, daily journaling is often unnecessary. Again, simply record your thoughts when you cannot get rid of them—and can’t think clearly enough to work your way through them without this extra aid. The more you engage in this exercise, the easier it will become for you to work through your bogged-down feelings without a journal.

(3) Be specific in your journal entries. While it may be helpful to write a general sketch of what’s going on or what’s bothering you in the moment (and it often is), this doesn’t exactly help you to solve the problem. To do that, you’ll want to be as specific as possible—not only about what’s happening, but also about how you feel about it. Saying (or writing), “I feel bad,” is too vague. Give those bad feelings precise names that accurately convey your emotion: angry, hostile, over-excited, guilty, hurt, confused, disappointed, etc. If you find that you can’t put a name to it—or that you are too commonly using generic words like bad or upset to describe how you feel—it’s okay to write that you’re unsure what to call the way you’re feeling. But do take the time to think about it and practice naming what you feel very specifically. This also gets easier with practice.

(4) Don’t forget to focus on the positive. After you’ve vented, it’s important to give yourself closure on the situation at hand. One very easy way to do that is to think of what you’re grateful for, because even in negative situations, we can always find something positive. (For example, if “I’m mad at my husband for not helping with the dishes,” I can later recognize that “I’m grateful he’s been working so hard to bring in money this week and also that he appreciates my cooking for him.”)

I’ve been journaling for a variety of reasons since before I could even write in cursive. Although I’ve gotten a lot of different benefits from journal-writing, the longest staple has been an objective observation of my feelings in situations that might otherwise overwhelm me. I have employed all of the above techniques as needed with quite positive results.

For more helpful hints on this subject, check out the blog of my colleague, Barbara J. Henry, a.k.a. “The Journal Lady.” Look for guest posts from Barbara in both past and future entries to Beyond Talk.


© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009

WEEKLY UPDATE: How to Speak Successfully to Your Significant Other

Raise your hand if you've ever had a romantic partner. *putting my hand up, holding it there, then letting it fall* Now raise your had if you've ever wanted to ring that partner's neck. *shooting my hand to the sky*

Ahem. Me, too.

But when I got married—6 years ago this weekend, thank you very much—my husband and I quickly learned that escalating our anger toward each other got us nowhere fast ... except storming around the house, holding unspoken contests about who could slam cabinet doors harder and louder, and sometimes racing off to a hotel to escape each other for the evening.

But in the morning (or when the last remaining cabinet-slamming contestant had won by default), though our anger may have quelled, the issues would still be there. And we hadn't any better words for working through them than we had at the peak of frustration.

That's when we invented "The 3 Rs of Marriage©." Three simple questions, asked and answered regularly, keep us communicating about what happens at our core.

Those of you who checked out my guest post to "Journal Lady" Barbara J. Henry's blog already get the simplicity of the exercise for keeping lovers connected to one another. But did you realize the questions can be modified? I know one couple who included a bonus "R": resentment. This lets them address anything they haven't wanted to mention in passing or haven't found prior time to bring up properly. It clears out resentments, so that romance can be the real focus of the relationship again.

(1) What’s one thing you recognize that made you feel LOVED today?

(2) What’s one thing you did to return LOVE to me today?

(3) What would you like to request that I do to show LOVE to you tomorrow?

(4) What's one thing you resented today that created a LOVE block for you?

We'll talk more about this tricky bonus question next week. 'Til then, have a safe and sane Independence Day weekend!


(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009

WEEKLY UPDATE: Speaking Truly with Barbara J. Henry

This week, my guest blogger, "Journal Lady" Barbara J. Henry, got me reflecting over some embarrassing communication moments. One that quickly springs to mind and brings a smile to my lips is one I merely overheard:

A friend was checking his messages as I waited in the next room to give him privacy. After at least 3 solid minutes, I realized I'd been hearing a steady drone in the same tone of voice wafting down the hall. I couldn't help myself, but had to burst into his study to ask, "I'm sorry, but is that all one message?"

My friend laughed so hard he snorted, and replied, "Honestly, if this guy doesn't take up the entire machine tape, this'll be a shorter message from him than usual!"

Some people have a very hard time organizing their thoughts (this particular caller was narrating his every move as he ambled through the reason for his call, jumping from subject to subject and failing miserably at staying focused). If you suffer this same dilemma, jotting down notes before making a call or composing a text-based message may help you hone what you want to say, and stay on track.

Ask yourself:
1) Who am I to this person? (Even a quick note to a friend should include a polite identifier; when I call my sister, I still say, "Hi, Sis!" immediately.)

2) What do I want from this person? (For example: "I'm calling to see if you want to go to the movies this Friday.")

3) When, where & how can we connect in the future? (Say, "You can reach me at home or leave a message on my cell" to someone who already has your contact info.; or to a new/formal contact, be sure to speak slowly and repeat your primary phone number.)

For tips on paring down more intimate messages between romantic partners, see my guest post to Barbara's blog.

(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009

SENDING CLEAR MESSAGES by Barbara J. Henry

We are living in the most technologically advanced period the world has ever known, and it is going to get better. The World Wide Web, e-mails, text messages, and instant messages, for example, have all done their part in bridging the communication gap between us. No matter where we happen to live in the world, we have, in many ways, become next-door neighbors: In a matter of seconds, depending upon the speed of our computer, we can travel the globe and get anything desired, all with the click of a mouse.

Communicating today is almost effortless, and even the telephone has been impacted to such a degree that it has become a virtual office. With so many ways to communicate, I wonder how concerned we are about how we say what we say?

What I mean is this: How much time do we spend on thinking about or composing our messages before we send them around the corner or around the world? Yes, I know: The new technology has developed a language of its own, but even so, do we make sure that we are using the language in a way that best conveys our thoughts? And when our messages, (text, twittered, instant or e-mailed) are received, do they express our intentions in the best way possible?

Let’s take a look at three of the more popular ways to communicate today to answer these questions.

Telephone: Does the receiver of your call know exactly what to do as a result of your message, assuming he or she is not available to answer the phone? Do you pace your speech or talk slowly enough for him or her to write your number, if your message asks for a return call?

E-Mail: Do you check your messages to find and correct errors in spelling and grammar before you hit send?

Text Message: Do you, considering the limited number of characters with which you have to work, choose the best combinations that most accurately convey your ideas in the clearest way possible?

Communicating has been taken to an unusually sophisticated level as a result of our modern technology, but we must still be concerned about how we correspond with each other, since we, too, are improving and experiencing personal growth, right along with technology.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Barbara J. Henry is a published author (Journaling: Twenty Plus Reasons Why You Should Start Now), personal development expert, and avid reader of books on self-growth, self-help, and spirituality—which are the subjects of her blog. Because she has journaled every single day since June of 1995, she describes herself as “the journaling lady.” Visit her website; go to the Titles/Products Page and download a free copy of her very effective tip sheet “9 Write Ways to Solve Problems.”