Summary: There are lots of reasons to keep a journal, but the process can be a lot simpler than you may think. Four basics for journaling through feelings are outlined in today's post. For further info., check out old, new, and forthcoming posts by "The Journal Lady" Barbara J. Henry, my fellow blogger.
In my last post, I mentioned that journaling can be very helpful for sorting out your feelings. A lot of people are overwhelmed by the idea of starting or keeping a journal. But the fact is, to be its most helpful, journaling is used in its simplest form.
Here are the basics of journaling:
(1) Define the reason you want to keep a journal. Maybe you don’t want to actually “keep” a journal at all. Rather, you may likely want to simply get the thoughts that are bothering you out of your head. And putting them on paper is an excellent way to get them outside of yourself. In a case such as this, it’s not necessary to buy a special notebook or keep it in a sacred spot. You can grab any scratch pad that’s handy and use any writing utensil to record your thoughts at any time. And you can even throw those thoughts away once you’ve gotten them out of your system. (You may use a recording device to achieve the same results.)
(2) Use the journal as consistently as is comfortable for you and your needs. For some purposes, such as enhancing creativity, daily journaling is important. But when it comes to maintenance of feelings, daily journaling is often unnecessary. Again, simply record your thoughts when you cannot get rid of them—and can’t think clearly enough to work your way through them without this extra aid. The more you engage in this exercise, the easier it will become for you to work through your bogged-down feelings without a journal.
(3) Be specific in your journal entries. While it may be helpful to write a general sketch of what’s going on or what’s bothering you in the moment (and it often is), this doesn’t exactly help you to solve the problem. To do that, you’ll want to be as specific as possible—not only about what’s happening, but also about how you feel about it. Saying (or writing), “I feel bad,” is too vague. Give those bad feelings precise names that accurately convey your emotion: angry, hostile, over-excited, guilty, hurt, confused, disappointed, etc. If you find that you can’t put a name to it—or that you are too commonly using generic words like bad or upset to describe how you feel—it’s okay to write that you’re unsure what to call the way you’re feeling. But do take the time to think about it and practice naming what you feel very specifically. This also gets easier with practice.
(4) Don’t forget to focus on the positive. After you’ve vented, it’s important to give yourself closure on the situation at hand. One very easy way to do that is to think of what you’re grateful for, because even in negative situations, we can always find something positive. (For example, if “I’m mad at my husband for not helping with the dishes,” I can later recognize that “I’m grateful he’s been working so hard to bring in money this week and also that he appreciates my cooking for him.”)
I’ve been journaling for a variety of reasons since before I could even write in cursive. Although I’ve gotten a lot of different benefits from journal-writing, the longest staple has been an objective observation of my feelings in situations that might otherwise overwhelm me. I have employed all of the above techniques as needed with quite positive results.
For more helpful hints on this subject, check out the blog of my colleague, Barbara J. Henry, a.k.a. “The Journal Lady.” Look for guest posts from Barbara in both past and future entries to Beyond Talk.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Oct 30, 2009
Oct 28, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: Ending Verbal Abuse
Summary: Defining "abuse" globally is difficult, but most of us know what we're willing to put up with as individuals. Once you've established this for yourself, be consistent in maintaining your personal boundaries. In special circumstances (such as when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's), follow the steps below to remain calm and communicate clearly under emotional duress.
Verbal abuse is no laughing matter. Some have said that verbal or emotional abuse can be more detrimental than physical abuse, because the victims bear no visible scars. While that is subjective, the fact is that so is what constitutes "abuse" in this global society—especially what constitutes verbal or emotional harm.
As individuals, we all set up our own boundaries when it comes to how much we'll tolerate and from whom. We may be highly sensitive to strangers, flaring up at the slightest injustice, like getting cut in line at the bank or being tailgated on the interstate. And yet we may have much higher thresholds for mistreatment by those closest to us, allowing our parents or significant others to call us names or criticize us daily without reacting with much shock or hurt.
Setting your personal boundaries—and maintaining consistency with them—is the first step toward putting an end to abuse of any kind. It's only when you know your limits that you can honor them and ask others to honor them, as well.
Once you know what (or how little) you're willing to tolerate, it's important that you not make any exceptions. And it's just as crucial that you not respond with anger toward someone else's anger, because that only aggravates the situation, rather than cooling it. If you find you cannot do this, especially early on, it's important that you remove yourself from the situation that's upsetting you and then provide an explanation (and apology, if necessary) to those involved once you are calm.
Some circumstances call for extra patience on our part, such as when a loved one has Alzheimer's and has become disoriented, lashing out verbally with hostility. We want to stay with the person who is pushing our buttons and not take what they're saying personally—though that may be quite hard. Here are some good rules of thumb for communicating calmly in such cases:
(1) Choose short, direct sentences to convey what's most important: "Grandpa, I'm Kealah. I'm your granddaughter. We're going to your doctor's office."
(2) Speak slowly and enunciate to be certain you're understood. When the brain is stressed, its ability to comprehend is deeply impaired, as is its ability to explain this to someone else.
(3) Make eye contact. (This is a good rule of thumb for critical communication of any kind, be it to a child, a coworker or an adversary.)
(4) Above all else, be sure to keep yourself calm by breathing deeply and slowly. If you find it impossible to remain calm, give yourself permission to walk away for 5 minutes and return again after you're calmer.
Journaling is another great way to stay in touch with your own feelings throughout any difficult process. Use your journal both before and after known emotional triggers to monitor your progress and objectively observe your own behavior. The more you do this, the easier it becomes to change your behavior in the heat of the moment.
Peace be with you throughout the rest of this week!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Verbal abuse is no laughing matter. Some have said that verbal or emotional abuse can be more detrimental than physical abuse, because the victims bear no visible scars. While that is subjective, the fact is that so is what constitutes "abuse" in this global society—especially what constitutes verbal or emotional harm.
As individuals, we all set up our own boundaries when it comes to how much we'll tolerate and from whom. We may be highly sensitive to strangers, flaring up at the slightest injustice, like getting cut in line at the bank or being tailgated on the interstate. And yet we may have much higher thresholds for mistreatment by those closest to us, allowing our parents or significant others to call us names or criticize us daily without reacting with much shock or hurt.
Setting your personal boundaries—and maintaining consistency with them—is the first step toward putting an end to abuse of any kind. It's only when you know your limits that you can honor them and ask others to honor them, as well.
Once you know what (or how little) you're willing to tolerate, it's important that you not make any exceptions. And it's just as crucial that you not respond with anger toward someone else's anger, because that only aggravates the situation, rather than cooling it. If you find you cannot do this, especially early on, it's important that you remove yourself from the situation that's upsetting you and then provide an explanation (and apology, if necessary) to those involved once you are calm.
Some circumstances call for extra patience on our part, such as when a loved one has Alzheimer's and has become disoriented, lashing out verbally with hostility. We want to stay with the person who is pushing our buttons and not take what they're saying personally—though that may be quite hard. Here are some good rules of thumb for communicating calmly in such cases:
(1) Choose short, direct sentences to convey what's most important: "Grandpa, I'm Kealah. I'm your granddaughter. We're going to your doctor's office."
(2) Speak slowly and enunciate to be certain you're understood. When the brain is stressed, its ability to comprehend is deeply impaired, as is its ability to explain this to someone else.
(3) Make eye contact. (This is a good rule of thumb for critical communication of any kind, be it to a child, a coworker or an adversary.)
(4) Above all else, be sure to keep yourself calm by breathing deeply and slowly. If you find it impossible to remain calm, give yourself permission to walk away for 5 minutes and return again after you're calmer.
Journaling is another great way to stay in touch with your own feelings throughout any difficult process. Use your journal both before and after known emotional triggers to monitor your progress and objectively observe your own behavior. The more you do this, the easier it becomes to change your behavior in the heat of the moment.
Peace be with you throughout the rest of this week!
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Aug 26, 2009
TRULY SPEAKING: How to Say What You Mean
My website, KiKiProductionsInc.com, will soon be offering a communications e-course titled "Speak Your Truth"—and subtitled "How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean." There are no mind control techniques taught in this course, no tips on influencing others. Instead, the course is about honesty and respect.
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
But mostly, it's about applying honesty and respect to directness.
In our closest personal relationships, especially, we tend to learn how to dance around certain subjects, specifically those topics that have caused us emotional pain in the past: If you and your roommate or significant other have fought recently over whose turn it is to do the dishes to the point that it escalates into a shouting match, you may find yourself passive-aggressively hinting at how you think it's not your turn this time around. You may be surprised to find that he or she explodes with even more force at just the implication of the topic of dish-washing. What do you do then?
"Coming out with it, already" and saying exactly what's on your mind is the key. But it isn't the first step in the process to resolving this conflict. The first step, in fact, is to look inside yourself and determine how the subject makes you feel. Once you're completely honest with yourself and truly self-aware, then you can begin to accept that the person you wish to address has his or her own feelings over the issue—feelings that may or may not mirror your own.
Here are a couple of techniques to getting in touch with your deeper emotions, to make "saying what you mean" a safe process. Say what you mean to yourself first by:
1. Journaling – If you are already familiar with this process, you need no further instruction. Simply free-write in your journal until you have identified at least two key feelings that you have about the subject at hand. Be sure that the feelings you note are actual sentiments (such as scared, happy, anxious, angry, confused) and not thoughts in disguise (like, "I feel like he's doing this on purpose").
Re-read your entry. If you notice thoughts that you've written, make sure to attach a sentiment to them, i.e., "I feel like he's doing this on purpose—and that makes me resentful."
2. Self-Talk – Forget the old stereotype that talking to yourself is crazy. Sometimes, talking to yourself can keep you sane! Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself, "How do I feel when I think about the dishes?" and then describe first the physical sensations you feel (sweaty palms, upset stomach, racing heart, etc.), followed by your emotions (nervous, irritated, hostile). Break it down into one sentence, such as, "When she doesn't wash the dishes she's used, I feel very angry." It's okay to use modifiers (like very or somewhat), because this helps you measure the feeling you have and be even more honest with yourself.
Affirmations are another form of self-talk that can help you keep your cool before entering into a confrontation. For example, if you find that you're afraid to stand up for yourself, but are harboring a resentment that's eating away at you inside, you might consider bolstering yourself with an affirmation prior to addressing the conflict. A good, affirmative sentence in this case would be, "I am confident that I can be honest about my feelings."
The next step to resolving the conflict is to have a conversation with the other person about your Dish War. For this step, listening is key. You can't listen to anyone else, however, until you have first listened to yourself and your own needs.
© KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Jun 5, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Upcoming Guest Blogger Barbara J. Henry
Recently, I introduced you to a fellow blogger, author, and communications coach named Barbara J. Henry. And I told you that Barbara would be guest blogging on this site soon. That's still true! Although it didn't work out for the last week of May as we'd originally intended, Barbara and I are gearing up to guest blog, each at the other's site, in a couple of weeks.
I think you'll really like Barbara's style and perspective. Read her entry on Faith here to see for yourself!
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
I think you'll really like Barbara's style and perspective. Read her entry on Faith here to see for yourself!
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
May 22, 2009
WEEKLY UPDATE: Pouring Thoughts onto the Page
Today is not my day. Do you have them, too—the days when you oversleep, spill your coffee, fight with your spouse over space in front of the mirror, and lose your keys? Sigh! These are the days when I write a lot of "sighs" in my journal.
Journaling can be an amazing way to communicate: Not only do you practice authentic communication in print (and have an opportunity to try out new words you're just learning or play with punctuation and double-check your spelling), but you learn how to get honest and real with yourself. Once you know who you are, you can share that wonderful self with the world.
I took some time today to get real with myself by writing about it. Then I took a moment to apologize to my husband for snapping at him! I explained what was going on with me, internally, (now that I knew, thanks to my journal). Then I listened to his side. That is true communication.
Author, consultant, and fellow blogger Barbara J. Henry has a recently-published book about journaling for beginners called Journaling: Twenty-Plus Reasons Why You Should Start Now. She also blogs each week about the emotional aspect of communication (fear, forgiveness, stress, even quietude). At the end of this month, Barbara will be guest blogging on Beyond Talk to share this wisdom. I'm excited about this, because it should correspond to the launch of my own re-vamped website and e-course, "Speak Your Truth," which also contains tips for beginning journalers.
Have you ever journaled or tried to journal? What was that like for you? Remember, sharing is the first and last step in the journaling process, so DO TELL!
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Journaling can be an amazing way to communicate: Not only do you practice authentic communication in print (and have an opportunity to try out new words you're just learning or play with punctuation and double-check your spelling), but you learn how to get honest and real with yourself. Once you know who you are, you can share that wonderful self with the world.
I took some time today to get real with myself by writing about it. Then I took a moment to apologize to my husband for snapping at him! I explained what was going on with me, internally, (now that I knew, thanks to my journal). Then I listened to his side. That is true communication.
Author, consultant, and fellow blogger Barbara J. Henry has a recently-published book about journaling for beginners called Journaling: Twenty-Plus Reasons Why You Should Start Now. She also blogs each week about the emotional aspect of communication (fear, forgiveness, stress, even quietude). At the end of this month, Barbara will be guest blogging on Beyond Talk to share this wisdom. I'm excited about this, because it should correspond to the launch of my own re-vamped website and e-course, "Speak Your Truth," which also contains tips for beginning journalers.
Have you ever journaled or tried to journal? What was that like for you? Remember, sharing is the first and last step in the journaling process, so DO TELL!
(c) KiKi Productions, Inc. 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
